Update

Well everything is a lot better now, my incision is still tender to the touch of course but I very little pain from that area anymore. Emotionally I am more stable now, still upset that I have to wait to do IVF again if at all but I’m becoming ok with that and getting excited about adoption! I have a month checkup with my kidney doctor Thursday and will set up my first appointment to have me checked to see if the cancer has come back. It’s so strange to me to think I had cancer. I feel so guilty about it because I had it for maybe a month and don’t have to have treatment. I had a grandmother and an uncle who went through the works treatment wise and lost their battle to it. while others went through the works with treatment and survived. I don’t feel like it’s right for me to cry about it or say that I am a cancer survivor… what did I survive?  a surgery, granted a very painful surgery, but does that give me the right to tell people, that I am a cancer survivor….

home for a week now…

I was so brave in the beginning thinking of nothing but wanting the cancer out. I’ve been so good and faithful to give God the glory and tell my testimony to show how God had His hands all over this. I had my surgery on April 23rd and never thought before hand of the pain I was fixing to go through. When I awoke in recovery I had never felt a physical pain this bad before, I was in recovery twice as long as my surgery. Surgery went well they said, they got all of the cancer they said, but all I could do was cry and scream, give me something for this pain! they gave me the max dose of Demerol then sat by my bed telling me to slow my breathing. They rolled me upstairs and told me take a deep breath and lifted me up by the sheet. I screamed bloody murder and begged please stop but they wouldn’t listen. Four days fly by and they send me home like I hadn’t just had a major surgery and part of my kidney cut off. I can’t sleep and can’t eat due to the pain, the pain killers not even touching my pain.  So here I am 2 weeks later still with so much pain I can barely sit in a chair, I busted 2 stitches and wasn’t prepared for these feeling after…

I want to scream from the pain but also from these emotions welling up inside of me. IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I scream in my head! How much more do I have to go through, when can I get a break. I’ve already lost so much already. No one really understands unless you have been through it, yes, I’m glad they got the cancer and  that I don’t have to go through treatment but damn it, it still took everything. By the time I get cleared to go back and try IVF again will I have any eggs left? I started with <.16 so I doubt very much I will. People tell me don’t sweat it hun you can still adopt, and we probably will. But it’s so hard to say that’s it no more IVF’s, I feel like if I do say it then it’s like I’m telling my babies goodbye.  With mother’s day on Sunday all I can do this week is cry, I have way to many people who don’t think I count as a mom even though I have lost 9 beautiful babies. I’m sorry I’m all over the place I just can focus my thoughts, all I feel is pain everywhere.

Well it’s been fun!

We have found out that I have kidney cancer, so we wont be able to do IVF anymore. Thank you all for sharing my ups and downs along this journey my husband and I have had. We do plan on adopting once we take care of this cancer. I still pray for all of you out there that struggles with infertility. I will start posting on here again once we start the process of adopting 🙂 praying many blessings over you all!!

Getting Ready!

So we finally made the phone call to our fertility clinic and asked them to put in the new prescriptions. Our insurance changed and will cover $2,500  of our fertility medications! It’s not much considering the price on fertility medications but at least it’s something. We are hoping to have all the medications by April this year and start IVF by May! I pray everyone is well and having a wonderful day!

Day 8 Quest 2014 – Having One Heart and Mind

Quest 2014

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hello

been a long time since I have posted anything… our last miscarriage took so much out of me so we decided to just wait. I know that could hurt us in the end but can’t change it now. We have decided to call our doctor and in Jan and have him put in a new script and we will start buying meds again. we are shooting for hopefully April or may. Hope everyone is doing well.

I’m still here….

I fell into a deep dark depression. One where there was no hope and no way out. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have lost 9 babies… 9 precious babies.  Babies that I long to hold, to kiss, to tell them how much mommy wanted them and how much mommy loves them. to say it’s not fair is a understatement. It took me a couple of months but I threw myself into my church. I wanted answers to which I received none, but learned instead that God loves me and He loves my babies and they are with him and he will hug and kiss them until mommy is called home.  hubby and I discussed doing IVF again, hubby wanted to I didn’t. I got so mad at him, I felt like he didn’t even care that we just lost 3 babies in March,  that he doesn’t care what IVF itself does to me. I finally sat him down and told him how I felt,  I told him that it’s not right that he doesn’t even look at what I have to go through which is, a month before we start IVF I have to get off of my fibromyalgia medications and my seronegative rheumatoid arthritis medications, to which I go through withdrawal for a few weeks which is severely painful and I have no energy to even get out of bed. Being off my meds period I hurt so badly that it feels like torture. I then have to go on a extremely high dose of birth control due to my body doesn’t react the way it should, in fact it reacts like a 45-50 year woman’s body instead of a 32 year olds. the birth control makes me extremely paranoid sometimes to the point where I feel like my husband is trying to kill me. then I comes off of that and start taking the max doses of menopur and  Follistim which is painful and makes me very teary to everything.  then of course there the retrieval which is extremely painful which is made worse due to my chronic pain conditions, and then the transfer where I freak out for 2 weeks I walk on eggshells trying not to do anything that would make them not stick or have another miscarriage, not to mention I am now having to take a PIO shot in my hip which is one of my most severe triggers for my fibro. If it sticks and we are pregnant then I get to add a blood thinner shot in my stomach to help prevent me miscarrying,  which is the third most painful shot I have ever had, I have to take both shots until I am 3 months….

he says he understands but he feels like we don’t have time to put IVF off because my body acts way older then it should. I understand that but I just want to see him actually care about what I have to go through.

anyway, we are starting up IVF in August, so when I receive my period in august I stop all meds and start the high dose birth control.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

incredible video about infertility awareness

a incredible video about infertility awareness. Every Infertile has their own unique path and some have happy endings, some sadly do not have that happy ending. This video pretty much sums up the emotions and thoughts that we infertiles go through.  Jason’s and my story has been so far we have waited for our happy ending for 11 years and along the way God blessed us with 9 special babies that were too beautiful for earth. Our journey is not over and we will continue to be patience while we wait for our happy ending.  I hope everyone will watch it!

 

 

www.tearsandhope.com

nightmare…

I just want to wake up and get dress and head out to Frisco for my ultrasound to see my baby heartbeat…. Everything just feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare. We have received so much love and support from our church which has really helped. Our friends from church were really helpful with bringing by dinners and just being there for us. I have a couple who live next-door that I have no clue what to do with them. The lady is friends with me, She called 3 times on Wed the 13th, It’s the day we found out we would lose baby, I finally answered her and told her bluntly cause I was having a extremely hard time keeping anything together that day, that we lost baby and I couldn’t talk she said come over here I said no I can’t talk I’m going back to be with my husband. The 14th she called 3 times I let it go to voice mail all 3 times, the first one was “I couldn’t sleep last night and I’m having a hard time right now. I really need my friend to come over and we don’t have to talk we can just watch movies but I really need you to come over” the second phone call about the say thing and the third stated she would “leave me be for a few days then get back on my ass to come over and watch movies” She didn’t by the way she called everyday with yesterdays telling me how she is so depressed and really needs her friend, and as a after thought stated yeah I guess your kind of depressed too…. This is a woman who when she lost a friend in Dec who she knew for a few years on and off stayed shit face drunk for 2 months straight from morning to night. I tried to get her to leave her house go get some lunch sober up some… she refused for 2 months…. I lost 3 babies why the fuck would I want to head over to my neighbors house where I don’t feel comfy to grieve the loss of my 3 babies. not to mention, in case some people don’t really know this, Miscarriage i’m sure everyone can understand the emotional pain that follows but there in the beginning of a miscarriage is it extremely painful physically! No joke.  My doctors were in the middle of deciding if  they would do a D and C  or not when too late… My body took 5 days to start bleeding from the 13th when we learned that we would lose baby. I deluded myself into thinking the doctor was wrong and that I wasn’t losing baby because I wasn’t bleeding and I wasn’t hurting. I was at dinner with a bunch of church friends when the pain hit.  It feels like to me like someone took a huge knife and stabbed me in my lower stomach then withdrew and reinserted then twisted the blade around and kept repeating.  We came back home I started bleeding and the pain grew much more intense to where my husband was crying and yelling at me over me screaming from the pain that maybe we should just go to the ER. Why? There’s nothing they would do for me besides give me a fast acting pain killer. so he took one of the pain killers my fertility doctor gave me a hydrocodone 5.5 and crushed it up in small tiny pieces so it would kick it faster and made me swallow it with water and that was nasty tasting … jumped into shower to sit under hot hot water to see if that would help, nope, thirty minutes later i’m screaming even louder the pain pill should of kicked in by then but nothing so I took another hydrocodone 5.5 not crushed this time. 1 hour later it still wasn’t working, the pain was so intense, I had screamed my voice hoarse, and the hot water was doing nothing for me. I couldn’t chance another pain killer so I had hubby help me to bed. Needless to say I couldn’t sleep, and have maybe gotten a few hours sleep a night due to the pain and the emotions from losing baby. Monday 18th we got a hold of my regular OB and he wants to have me check my HCG level in a few days (prob Monday 25th) to see where it is at, if it’s still pretty high then will do a D and C if it’s low then wait and recheck in a few days to see if I can miscarry on my own. I tried telling them I’m in extreme pain, I’m barely bleeding and have had only tiny tiny clots which means I still have not lost baby and barely any of the lining. He said even though they were really tiny clots the process has already begun and he would rather it be natural. I wouldn’t it’s to painful physically and emotionally.  They did write me a script for hydrocodone 10.375 which they said I’m allowed to take 1-2 within a 3 hour period. I stick to the lower dose pain pill during the day or not at all, and I take 1 higher dose at night, luckily the pain has not reached the intensity of that first night again though it comes a little bit close. Hubby is going to try to call the OB at 2pm today to see if they have reached a decision yet. I pray they have and that it’s a D and C…….