Posts Tagged ‘Anger’

I was so brave in the beginning thinking of nothing but wanting the cancer out. I’ve been so good and faithful to give God the glory and tell my testimony to show how God had His hands all over this. I had my surgery on April 23rd and never thought before hand of the pain I was fixing to go through. When I awoke in recovery I had never felt a physical pain this bad before, I was in recovery twice as long as my surgery. Surgery went well they said, they got all of the cancer they said, but all I could do was cry and scream, give me something for this pain! they gave me the max dose of Demerol then sat by my bed telling me to slow my breathing. They rolled me upstairs and told me take a deep breath and lifted me up by the sheet. I screamed bloody murder and begged please stop but they wouldn’t listen. Four days fly by and they send me home like I hadn’t just had a major surgery and part of my kidney cut off. I can’t sleep and can’t eat due to the pain, the pain killers not even touching my pain.  So here I am 2 weeks later still with so much pain I can barely sit in a chair, I busted 2 stitches and wasn’t prepared for these feeling after…

I want to scream from the pain but also from these emotions welling up inside of me. IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I scream in my head! How much more do I have to go through, when can I get a break. I’ve already lost so much already. No one really understands unless you have been through it, yes, I’m glad they got the cancer and  that I don’t have to go through treatment but damn it, it still took everything. By the time I get cleared to go back and try IVF again will I have any eggs left? I started with <.16 so I doubt very much I will. People tell me don’t sweat it hun you can still adopt, and we probably will. But it’s so hard to say that’s it no more IVF’s, I feel like if I do say it then it’s like I’m telling my babies goodbye.  With mother’s day on Sunday all I can do this week is cry, I have way to many people who don’t think I count as a mom even though I have lost 9 beautiful babies. I’m sorry I’m all over the place I just can focus my thoughts, all I feel is pain everywhere.

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Wed we have our next ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. The doctor says there should be considerable growth and should have a heart beat by Wed. If not I don’t know what will happen or what I will do… I have been taking the loss of the two babies ( one never attached and the other I miscarried) really hard. I kept putting it behind me and moving on when yesterday I tore into my husband griping about anything and everything until I started crying saying why does everyone act like they didn’t matter…  here’s what has happened….

Monday  Feb 25th was when I found out my HCG count was not as high as it should of been, I did not want to talk to anyone that day or the next because I knew what was probably happening though I never thought of one still be ok. At that time I had been pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies. I knew my reality… my family and friends don’t understand, they just say the same thing, “well it wont work unless you think positive” really?!?! bull shit. or ” it will be ok everything will be fine”  again really… hello people I have been threw this 6 times all ready I know the feeling I know the signs on top of which I know what my doctor is telling me. I had one friend that just kept trying to get a hold of me and once she started trying to get a hold of my husband I texted her saying look you are a good friend but we got bad news I don’t want to talk we find out Feb. 28th if we have any babies left. I will text you when I feel like talking. rude of me I know…

Feb 27th we had the ultrasound and doctor kept saying you are on track for 6 weeks but even hubby will agree he did not sound like it will be good news on march 6th… we will find out then.  but we did confirm that I did indeed lose 2 of the 3 babies. with only one being a miscarriage though but both hurt equally. I texted the same friend stating what the findings were, ” one baby never attached, we miscarried the 2nd baby and the 3rd baby is right where it needs to be says doctor though he doesn’t sound positive on it being viable though.” she texts me back “I’m so happy for you it’s right where it needs to be!! hey are you in town I need a ride home I have to put my car in the shop”   …. are you fucking kidding me!!!! how incentive and cruel! I just found out I lost 2 babies. I texted back we are in Frisco which is 2 1/2 hours away from her.  she texts back as long as you get here before 5 thanks….. we get there and she isn’t even there yet, when she does get there she gets in the car smiling and happy and greets us with cheer and asks so how are yall doing? I didn’t say a word hubby says tired and drained its been a long emotional day. she says yeah and then starts talking about utter bull shit and gossip…. we drop her off and I start crying again.

the following day Feb 28th she texts me in the morning asking how I was doing and what I wanted to do for the day…. again you have got to be fucking kidding me… she’s 23 years old, married and they are just now talking about trying to have a baby, she’s never been pregnant so I can understand she doesn’t really know what it is like but at 23 years old (I’m 32 in may so I know at least for me and all the rest of my friends) she should have common sense to know it hurts to lose a child. I texted her back a long text stating no I am not ok I  am hurting I lost 2 babies for a grand total of 8…..8!! ( I still can not believe I have lost 8 babies. ) it will take me a long time to grieve this loss and she writes back that she’s sorry I left it at that.

the next day March 1st later in afternoon she texts asking if I was feeling any better…. I didn’t text back

on Friday march 2nd she text asking if she can come over and pick up her makeup bag before she left town… the girl never wears makeup ever. She buys it like crazy but never wears it…ever. she brought over because she wanted to do my makeup for my hubbys bday dinner… hell no I am 32 years old I do not need to be looking trashy at his nice bday dinner so it just sat there. I said sure  her and her hubby head over a few hours later and when I opened the door I just handed her the bag and said have a safe journey bye. she tried to walk in I stepped in front of her she said how are you feeling I said how do you think I am feeling I lost 2 babies I feel horrible have a safe journey talk to you later…  I haven’t heard from her since and she is a good friend, I know she is just worried about me but for goodness sake learn some common sense it hurts to lose a child. and it takes a long time to grieve and move past never forget but able to move past.

now with everyone else…. most people tell me I need to relax and rejoice in the fact that there is still one baby left in there….. do not get me wrong.. I thank God everyday for another day he has given me with my baby. along with all the other blessings he has given me through the years. but I do not like how people just move on so quickly from the 2 we lost. like they were nothing at all. they meant a lot to me and hubby and our friends and family I feel should respect that.

and the last and horrible one to me…. I called my mother Wed night after the ultrasound to tell her the results… she ignored the 2 we lost completely and kept trying to move away from it. I told her mom you don’t understand I would of had twins but we lost one. she finally got it then hung up with me a few mins later cause she had to get ready for school the next day. she’s a teacher.  she had my 3 year old niece call me on Saturday because my niece wanted to talk to me, afterward she gets on the phone and asks what I was up to today…. I said not much I am not doing very well she gets aggravated with me and asks why I said its been a horrible week and she says why jess what has been wrong in your week….. I said um I lost 2 babies she said ok and… what made your week horrible…..

besides hubby no support…. like I said earlier I have no idea what I will do if this pregnancy isn’t viable. I pray everyone else is having a decent week.


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well crap.. I was told yesterday that all my labs had come back and were normal… nope they had the last two come in today and they were abnormal. I am so thankful for this doctor though! no one else ever thought to look for any of these problems to why we miscarried. It turns out that I have an abnormal gene that is something like a clotting condition that could cause me to miscarry. there is no way to be 100% sure if that is why we miscarried in the past but at least now we know and we can prevent this being an issue now by adding in baby aspirin or some other med that I cant remember that she said…

This just makes me so angry!! after each miscarriage no one ran any labs to see is there was a problem as to why we miscarried. the only thing that was ever done was the RH negative shot and then I was tested like crazy for PCOS and every doctor that tested me for it said “the labs say no but I’m telling you one day it will say yes” well doc, the labs are still saying no 10 years later… if you would have just ran some other tests maybe I wouldn’t have lost 6 babies maybe only 1 or 2! I would probably still have my fallopian tubes! and I probably wouldn’t have had to go through the suffering of knowing I had a baby that had a heart beat or the pain of the tube rupturing on each tube. I could have maybe had a child on my own  years ago of course I will never know that for sure. then that leaves me with the other feeling of even my genes are against me being a mother?  I just want to scream from the anger and sadness from it all. I’m still grateful honestly that this one still has a chance but it’s like I’m feeling the injustice for the other babies.  and maybe that’s too harsh of a statement I don’t know I’m overwhelmed with emotions right now.

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SO this morning’s rheumy appointment I was told that I will be in really bad pain through out the whole pregnancy and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it. Then he told me that I had some labs come back saying that I have a 90% chance of having Seronegative rheumatoid arthritis then proceeded in telling me how much I will hurt from it and the fibromyalgia for the rest of my life, and kept repeating it because they felt like I wasn’t taking it serious… yeah right hello I was letting it sink all in and was trying not to let it get me down to much.  then I had another appointment later that afternoon  and received yet another bad diagnoses but was told that it will take a long while and will take a lot of work but I could get better in the end. then received a phone call from the ivf clinic saying the people who did my ultrasound and blood test faxed over the wrong paper instead of results which means I wont get those till monday.  so to leave it on a better note  yesterday while I was getting my MRI  done  Jason got a call from the retirement fund and was told they looked it over again and decided that they were wrong and decided to give us the full amount we asked for which means now I have the money to freeze the extra (if any) eggs and if case the menopour or the follistim gets upped I have the money to do both plus the gas back and forth, hotel, food, ect…! I feel like I could breathe again till today and will again hopefully tomorrow. for now I am frustrated, angry, and so very sad. 

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Insurance bad news…

We were misinformed about the amount we had to pay for the injections… what they told us was 1200 what it will cost us is 4811.69!! I am grateful it covers it at all BUT they could have told us up front. So now we are waiting we were so close to getting it done 😦 now we are going to have to wait  anywhere from 1-6 months before we will have the money and able to proceed. I’m depressed and angry but understanding. I’m going to try to take advantage of this time to try even harder to get under 200 lbs  and hopefully get money and paperwork in order.

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