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Posts Tagged ‘Reproductive Health’

I fell into a deep dark depression. One where there was no hope and no way out. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have lost 9 babies… 9 precious babies.  Babies that I long to hold, to kiss, to tell them how much mommy wanted them and how much mommy loves them. to say it’s not fair is a understatement. It took me a couple of months but I threw myself into my church. I wanted answers to which I received none, but learned instead that God loves me and He loves my babies and they are with him and he will hug and kiss them until mommy is called home.  hubby and I discussed doing IVF again, hubby wanted to I didn’t. I got so mad at him, I felt like he didn’t even care that we just lost 3 babies in March,  that he doesn’t care what IVF itself does to me. I finally sat him down and told him how I felt,  I told him that it’s not right that he doesn’t even look at what I have to go through which is, a month before we start IVF I have to get off of my fibromyalgia medications and my seronegative rheumatoid arthritis medications, to which I go through withdrawal for a few weeks which is severely painful and I have no energy to even get out of bed. Being off my meds period I hurt so badly that it feels like torture. I then have to go on a extremely high dose of birth control due to my body doesn’t react the way it should, in fact it reacts like a 45-50 year woman’s body instead of a 32 year olds. the birth control makes me extremely paranoid sometimes to the point where I feel like my husband is trying to kill me. then I comes off of that and start taking the max doses of menopur and  Follistim which is painful and makes me very teary to everything.  then of course there the retrieval which is extremely painful which is made worse due to my chronic pain conditions, and then the transfer where I freak out for 2 weeks I walk on eggshells trying not to do anything that would make them not stick or have another miscarriage, not to mention I am now having to take a PIO shot in my hip which is one of my most severe triggers for my fibro. If it sticks and we are pregnant then I get to add a blood thinner shot in my stomach to help prevent me miscarrying,  which is the third most painful shot I have ever had, I have to take both shots until I am 3 months….

he says he understands but he feels like we don’t have time to put IVF off because my body acts way older then it should. I understand that but I just want to see him actually care about what I have to go through.

anyway, we are starting up IVF in August, so when I receive my period in august I stop all meds and start the high dose birth control.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

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a incredible video about infertility awareness. Every Infertile has their own unique path and some have happy endings, some sadly do not have that happy ending. This video pretty much sums up the emotions and thoughts that we infertiles go through.  Jason’s and my story has been so far we have waited for our happy ending for 11 years and along the way God blessed us with 9 special babies that were too beautiful for earth. Our journey is not over and we will continue to be patience while we wait for our happy ending.  I hope everyone will watch it!

 

 

www.tearsandhope.com

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I just want to wake up and get dress and head out to Frisco for my ultrasound to see my baby heartbeat…. Everything just feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare. We have received so much love and support from our church which has really helped. Our friends from church were really helpful with bringing by dinners and just being there for us. I have a couple who live next-door that I have no clue what to do with them. The lady is friends with me, She called 3 times on Wed the 13th, It’s the day we found out we would lose baby, I finally answered her and told her bluntly cause I was having a extremely hard time keeping anything together that day, that we lost baby and I couldn’t talk she said come over here I said no I can’t talk I’m going back to be with my husband. The 14th she called 3 times I let it go to voice mail all 3 times, the first one was “I couldn’t sleep last night and I’m having a hard time right now. I really need my friend to come over and we don’t have to talk we can just watch movies but I really need you to come over” the second phone call about the say thing and the third stated she would “leave me be for a few days then get back on my ass to come over and watch movies” She didn’t by the way she called everyday with yesterdays telling me how she is so depressed and really needs her friend, and as a after thought stated yeah I guess your kind of depressed too…. This is a woman who when she lost a friend in Dec who she knew for a few years on and off stayed shit face drunk for 2 months straight from morning to night. I tried to get her to leave her house go get some lunch sober up some… she refused for 2 months…. I lost 3 babies why the fuck would I want to head over to my neighbors house where I don’t feel comfy to grieve the loss of my 3 babies. not to mention, in case some people don’t really know this, Miscarriage i’m sure everyone can understand the emotional pain that follows but there in the beginning of a miscarriage is it extremely painful physically! No joke.  My doctors were in the middle of deciding if  they would do a D and C  or not when too late… My body took 5 days to start bleeding from the 13th when we learned that we would lose baby. I deluded myself into thinking the doctor was wrong and that I wasn’t losing baby because I wasn’t bleeding and I wasn’t hurting. I was at dinner with a bunch of church friends when the pain hit.  It feels like to me like someone took a huge knife and stabbed me in my lower stomach then withdrew and reinserted then twisted the blade around and kept repeating.  We came back home I started bleeding and the pain grew much more intense to where my husband was crying and yelling at me over me screaming from the pain that maybe we should just go to the ER. Why? There’s nothing they would do for me besides give me a fast acting pain killer. so he took one of the pain killers my fertility doctor gave me a hydrocodone 5.5 and crushed it up in small tiny pieces so it would kick it faster and made me swallow it with water and that was nasty tasting … jumped into shower to sit under hot hot water to see if that would help, nope, thirty minutes later i’m screaming even louder the pain pill should of kicked in by then but nothing so I took another hydrocodone 5.5 not crushed this time. 1 hour later it still wasn’t working, the pain was so intense, I had screamed my voice hoarse, and the hot water was doing nothing for me. I couldn’t chance another pain killer so I had hubby help me to bed. Needless to say I couldn’t sleep, and have maybe gotten a few hours sleep a night due to the pain and the emotions from losing baby. Monday 18th we got a hold of my regular OB and he wants to have me check my HCG level in a few days (prob Monday 25th) to see where it is at, if it’s still pretty high then will do a D and C if it’s low then wait and recheck in a few days to see if I can miscarry on my own. I tried telling them I’m in extreme pain, I’m barely bleeding and have had only tiny tiny clots which means I still have not lost baby and barely any of the lining. He said even though they were really tiny clots the process has already begun and he would rather it be natural. I wouldn’t it’s to painful physically and emotionally.  They did write me a script for hydrocodone 10.375 which they said I’m allowed to take 1-2 within a 3 hour period. I stick to the lower dose pain pill during the day or not at all, and I take 1 higher dose at night, luckily the pain has not reached the intensity of that first night again though it comes a little bit close. Hubby is going to try to call the OB at 2pm today to see if they have reached a decision yet. I pray they have and that it’s a D and C…….

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Mommy love each and every one of you!!  We find out on Wed if the little one in my tummy is still growing!

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ok today’s ultrasound… we were able to see the heartbeat and hear the heartbeat but the heart rate was a bit slower then it should of been. the baby last week measured 5 weeks and 4 days today it measured 6 weeks 1 day meaning it only showed 4 days of growth when it should of been 7 days of growth though doc said the baby was hugging the wall real close so we were not able to get a good picture so she was not able to measure it completely which means it could of been 7 days growth if not close to. my doc say to be cautiously optimistic but so far it is telling the baby isn’t growing as much as it needs to. We head back Wed next week for another ultrasound to see how much baby has grown yet again. We ask for prayers please for baby to be growing big and strong. The doctors don’t sound like they have much hope….
My church had a healing service tonight which our worship leader pastor Jeff had heard about our story Tues night said he prayed all day Wed and said he really felt God say that hubby and I really needed to be at the altar to be healed! It was so wonderful and I can tell you that I am healed!!! Rutherford OB2 Rutherford OB3

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Wed we have our next ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. The doctor says there should be considerable growth and should have a heart beat by Wed. If not I don’t know what will happen or what I will do… I have been taking the loss of the two babies ( one never attached and the other I miscarried) really hard. I kept putting it behind me and moving on when yesterday I tore into my husband griping about anything and everything until I started crying saying why does everyone act like they didn’t matter…  here’s what has happened….

Monday  Feb 25th was when I found out my HCG count was not as high as it should of been, I did not want to talk to anyone that day or the next because I knew what was probably happening though I never thought of one still be ok. At that time I had been pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies. I knew my reality… my family and friends don’t understand, they just say the same thing, “well it wont work unless you think positive” really?!?! bull shit. or ” it will be ok everything will be fine”  again really… hello people I have been threw this 6 times all ready I know the feeling I know the signs on top of which I know what my doctor is telling me. I had one friend that just kept trying to get a hold of me and once she started trying to get a hold of my husband I texted her saying look you are a good friend but we got bad news I don’t want to talk we find out Feb. 28th if we have any babies left. I will text you when I feel like talking. rude of me I know…

Feb 27th we had the ultrasound and doctor kept saying you are on track for 6 weeks but even hubby will agree he did not sound like it will be good news on march 6th… we will find out then.  but we did confirm that I did indeed lose 2 of the 3 babies. with only one being a miscarriage though but both hurt equally. I texted the same friend stating what the findings were, ” one baby never attached, we miscarried the 2nd baby and the 3rd baby is right where it needs to be says doctor though he doesn’t sound positive on it being viable though.” she texts me back “I’m so happy for you it’s right where it needs to be!! hey are you in town I need a ride home I have to put my car in the shop”   …. are you fucking kidding me!!!! how incentive and cruel! I just found out I lost 2 babies. I texted back we are in Frisco which is 2 1/2 hours away from her.  she texts back as long as you get here before 5 thanks….. we get there and she isn’t even there yet, when she does get there she gets in the car smiling and happy and greets us with cheer and asks so how are yall doing? I didn’t say a word hubby says tired and drained its been a long emotional day. she says yeah and then starts talking about utter bull shit and gossip…. we drop her off and I start crying again.

the following day Feb 28th she texts me in the morning asking how I was doing and what I wanted to do for the day…. again you have got to be fucking kidding me… she’s 23 years old, married and they are just now talking about trying to have a baby, she’s never been pregnant so I can understand she doesn’t really know what it is like but at 23 years old (I’m 32 in may so I know at least for me and all the rest of my friends) she should have common sense to know it hurts to lose a child. I texted her back a long text stating no I am not ok I  am hurting I lost 2 babies for a grand total of 8…..8!! ( I still can not believe I have lost 8 babies. ) it will take me a long time to grieve this loss and she writes back that she’s sorry I left it at that.

the next day March 1st later in afternoon she texts asking if I was feeling any better…. I didn’t text back

on Friday march 2nd she text asking if she can come over and pick up her makeup bag before she left town… the girl never wears makeup ever. She buys it like crazy but never wears it…ever. she brought over because she wanted to do my makeup for my hubbys bday dinner… hell no I am 32 years old I do not need to be looking trashy at his nice bday dinner so it just sat there. I said sure  her and her hubby head over a few hours later and when I opened the door I just handed her the bag and said have a safe journey bye. she tried to walk in I stepped in front of her she said how are you feeling I said how do you think I am feeling I lost 2 babies I feel horrible have a safe journey talk to you later…  I haven’t heard from her since and she is a good friend, I know she is just worried about me but for goodness sake learn some common sense it hurts to lose a child. and it takes a long time to grieve and move past never forget but able to move past.

now with everyone else…. most people tell me I need to relax and rejoice in the fact that there is still one baby left in there….. do not get me wrong.. I thank God everyday for another day he has given me with my baby. along with all the other blessings he has given me through the years. but I do not like how people just move on so quickly from the 2 we lost. like they were nothing at all. they meant a lot to me and hubby and our friends and family I feel should respect that.

and the last and horrible one to me…. I called my mother Wed night after the ultrasound to tell her the results… she ignored the 2 we lost completely and kept trying to move away from it. I told her mom you don’t understand I would of had twins but we lost one. she finally got it then hung up with me a few mins later cause she had to get ready for school the next day. she’s a teacher.  she had my 3 year old niece call me on Saturday because my niece wanted to talk to me, afterward she gets on the phone and asks what I was up to today…. I said not much I am not doing very well she gets aggravated with me and asks why I said its been a horrible week and she says why jess what has been wrong in your week….. I said um I lost 2 babies she said ok and… what made your week horrible…..

besides hubby no support…. like I said earlier I have no idea what I will do if this pregnancy isn’t viable. I pray everyone else is having a decent week.

 

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ok so we get called back and my heart starts beating a mile a minute. recap… they transferred 2 class 1 embryos and 1 class 2 embryo.  one of the embryos didn’t attach at all. I miscarried the 2nd baby… the third baby though is still hanging in there and doctor says baby looks right where it should be at around 6 weeks pregnant. there was no heart beat yet but he said not to worry though that’s it could be a little behind. I go back in a week to make sure that this is a viable pregnancy. He’s looking for considerable growth and next week we should be able to see the heart beating. morning sickness is starting to get a bit stronger…. i’m so conflicted with emotions, i’m so happy about the 3rd baby, but so sad about the other 2 babies. Hope everyone has a wonderful night. 6 week ultrasound

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