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Archive for October, 2012

So it has been a while since I have written, I just haven’t known what to write.  I have to many thoughts and feeling going on inside me that I’m not sure how to get in order and deal with them. I’m so scared that I missed my shot with having a baby.  We keep saying we will try IVF again but road blocks keep popping up.  To many medical issues decided to pop up together, so many that I feel like my love ones think im a hypochondriac, the fact is I have had to fight for so long to have a doctor actually look past the fact that I’m fat to see that my pain and many other symptoms are not because I’m fat. So 2 years ago a doctor finally decided to run blood tests and finally they saw that I wasn’t faking, ever since then a lot of issues just go wrong.  I have doctors who are mad at me because I refuse treatment to try to have a baby and tell me to just call them up when I am ready to start getting better again. But I’m dealing with it, yes I have horrible pain everyday and fatigue, but I manage. But now I am freaking out along with my husband because we had a few people tell us that we really should get the breast lumps checked for cancer before we start IVF again because the of estrogen shot or something like that can make it grow faster. I am already scheduled for a mammogram in Dec since I now have to have a mammogram twice a year. I thinking about just asking them to biopsy the damn lumps already so maybe I can have some peace of mind. I don’t know why they haven’t already done so since the lumps  have grown and the breast density has changed. You know the sad thing is all I can think of if it is cancer is we have already spent $4,000 of IVF meds that will expire way before we will be able to use them! plus I feel like unless we adopt we wouldn’t be able to have a baby.

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Our candle is lite!

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 We have lost 7 babies in all.

I lost my first baby at the end of the year 2000, I was so young (18) that I really didn’t comprehend how great of a loss I just had.  I thought I was somewhat lucky that I lost the baby that way I didn’t have to tell my family or friends what a huge mistake I had made. Looking back at it though that huge mistake is now just a small bump in the road and I married that baby’s daddy.  Jason and I got married August 1st 2001,  we both wanted kids so badly but wanted to wait to start trying till the 2nd year of marriage.  Sept 16, 2001  is one of the worse days of our marriage, we learned the news that Jason’s Angel was murdered. Angel was a miracle baby and it never mattered what type of day you had, when she looked at you, you smiled and nothing else mattered.  Jason and I were so in love with her and tried so hard to adopt her. Her parents , the father was related to Jason,  treated the baby so badly, CPS came in and put Angel in the care of Jason’s mother and father.  Somehow the parents were able to come take the baby back. One day the parents went and got really high and proceeded to murder her and I’ll leave it at that it hurts too much to think about everything she was put through.  We were heartbroken along side of everybody else who truly loved that baby.

About 6 months after Angel passed away we decided to go a head and start trying for a baby of our own.  Sadly it took until 2003 for us to even get pregnant when we rushed off to the ER not even knowing we were pregnant with the worst pain of my life (up to that point). We were rushed into a ER room, they took blood from me and prepped me for surgery just in case, 2 hours we waited to hear what was wrong with me when they came into the room and told us we were pregnant.  I was so excited for a second till total utter fear came in because I was bleeding too much for that to be a good sign. 30 mins later they came in and said you have miscarried, we were crushed, they gave me the RH negative shot and sent me home like what we were going through was nothing.  It took till June 2004 for us to become pregnant again with our 3rd baby everything seemed to be going good for a few weeks then one night my stomach erupted in sharp pain and I started bleeding  so once again we rushed off to the ER to hear the news we did not want to hear, this one too was lost to us, they gave me another RH Negative shot and sent us home.  Our fourth baby came to us in November 2004, this one looked to be really going good and we made it all the way to December 24, 2004 when once again I was overcome with sharp pain in my stomach followed by heavy bleeding.  We decided to wait and grieve a few years after our 4th baby, It hurt to much to even think about putting ourselves through anymore losses.   November 28th 2006 we learned that we were pregnant once again and everything was going great this time around,  I had some morning sickness and I was craving pickles like crazy.  We had our first appointment set up for after the holidays. December 31st 2006 11:25pm we rushed to the ER for spotting, 12:20am January 1st 2007 we learned our baby had a heart beat but it would not make it because it was ectopic. They rushed me upstairs for emergency surgery for my tube had ruptured and could endanger my life from bleeding out. I was 2 months pregnant… my doctor told us the surgery went great and that everything should be ok now.  December 2007 we once again learned we were pregnant.  This time I had nothing but fear. As soon as the test showed I was pregnant I started bawling.   My doctor got us in to see him a few weeks into January 2008, it took a couple of visits, but we again learned that my fears came true and it was yet again ectopic. I had no choice; I received a shot and was told hopefully it was caught in time so we could avoid having to have surgery this time.  February 4th 2008 for the last time I was rushed to the ER for my tube was rupturing. Surgery once again went good but now I am tubeless and our choices are either IVF (in vitro fertilization) or adopting.  August 2012 our first IVF was canceled due to my body not reacting enough to the hormone shots we will be doing IVF again looks like in Dec or Jan 2012/13.

It’s so hard to understand why this has happened. I’m so grateful to my husband for through it all we have gotten so strong and close because of it, where others sadly tear apart. People never know how to handle the situation I’ve been told everything from; be grateful that you didn’t lose the baby after it was born; it wasn’t the right time this time but you can try again; why would I wish you a happy mother’s day when you are not a mom.  The worst I was told was my boss saying (damn you’re not over that yet you were what a month pregnant get over it already).  My heart will not be whole until I see my sweet babies.  They are always in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart.  I thank GOD for the amount of time with them He blessed me with; I know they are in very good hands but yet I still grieve. I pray my sweet angels know just how much their mommy and daddy love them.

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I am so overwhelmed right now, we are still trying to gather up all the meds for our next ivf cycle. The last check this month we will be getting another follistim 🙂 then nothing till last check in Nov… So I am dealing with my depression with doesn’t look like it will be letting up anytime soon, It is like everything hit me all at once again, My traumatic past, my miscarriages, new health problems and that my only ivf cycle was canceled.  I feel like I let my husband down once again.  Like everything I did  (getting my A1C down to a 5.6 and losing 50lbs) was for nothing ( I know it wasn’t though).  Then I have the Fibromyalgia and Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis which leads to a whole lot of extreme pain in different areas in my body day-to-day, with extreme fatigue and flu-like symptoms. It’s like you are coming down with the flu everyday but you never get the flu so never get over the flu… Then the last health problem for me is 2 years ago I had a tiny abnormal lump found in my left breast did an ultrasound and talked to a specialist who said he thought I had a 99.8% chance of it not being cancer, So I went along with it a year later a doctor decided to get a mammogram done on it and once again they said it’s probably not cancer so lets wait and see if it grows. So we moved and got set up with new doctors and had another mammogram done now that tiny lump is not tiny anymore (not huge either but big enough now that I can really feel it plus the results showed that it grew plus another abnormal lump in my right breast plus the density of both has changed…. they said we still think it’s probably not cancer but now we want to have you to do 2 mammograms a year instead of the normal once a year. by the way I’m only 31 dammit! I tried talking to a few about it, who in the end told me to not worry, because it’s normal “every woman goes through this”.  Every woman does have to get mammograms after the age 40, 1 time a year yes and a lot of women find a lump at least once in a life time most of which are NOT abnormal. I can’t get my mind off of it recently and my next mammogram isn’t till Dec. 😦  My father in law also came home from the hospital a few weeks ago after having his leg below the knee removed due to a really bad infection.  So it hurts to see him have to go through all the PT and home nurse visits though he is doing so much better now though.  Jason has entered the  holiday season at his job which means I never see him any more. I just really do feel so overwhelmed with everything.  Sorry this post is all negative hope everyone else has a wonderful day.

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We just received in another follistim! We are starting to get excited about doing the IVF again! We now have 3 out of 5 vials of 900 units of follistim, after we finish getting the follistim we will start working on getting the 6 boxes of menopur (5 vials per box)  once we get all the menopur then we call them back up and we start again!! SO EXCITED! now if I could get my tired butt up and moving to start trying to lose the 40lbs I wanted to lose then everything would feel great to me again! I just looked at the budget and it looks as though we are still on track which means Jan-Feb (most likely feb) will be when we will have all the meds in and ready to give the IVF clinic a call. Hope everyone has a great day!!

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My insurance includes nurse phone call to check up on you and help you with whatever health goals you have. So this morning I talked to a nurse for about 35-45 minutes she just kept asking me the same question over and over.. “but.. how do you handle the every day pain and fatigue being off your medications?”, I said I don’t really lol she couldn’t understand how I could deal with all the pain let alone all the other symptoms I have due to the fibro and the other illnesses I have. That’s Life though, no use in fussing over the hand your dealt when your energy can be used so much better in trying to learn ways to live and be happy! With the aid of medications I was able to lead an almost normal life when it came to just the fibromyalgia. Without my fibro meds my pain has increased, It stays around 6-8 every day mostly in the same areas, my back, hips, knees, wrists. The pain I can deal with though, I don’t like it (took ten years to get the diagnose so 10 out of 12 years no meds), it’s the fatigue that kills me. I can barely get anything done at all around my house let alone get up and do any of my work outs to try to lose the 40lbs I want to lose before I try IVF again. I told her I do music therapy which helps with the pain along with seeing a therapist which helps with the coping of having lifelong illnesses.  I have no idea what I can do to help with the fatigue besides meds and since I can’t take any at the moment I would love to hear anything that may help it,  if any one has any suggestions please I’m all ears!

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