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Archive for the ‘Fibromyalgia’ Category

I fell into a deep dark depression. One where there was no hope and no way out. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have lost 9 babies… 9 precious babies.  Babies that I long to hold, to kiss, to tell them how much mommy wanted them and how much mommy loves them. to say it’s not fair is a understatement. It took me a couple of months but I threw myself into my church. I wanted answers to which I received none, but learned instead that God loves me and He loves my babies and they are with him and he will hug and kiss them until mommy is called home.  hubby and I discussed doing IVF again, hubby wanted to I didn’t. I got so mad at him, I felt like he didn’t even care that we just lost 3 babies in March,  that he doesn’t care what IVF itself does to me. I finally sat him down and told him how I felt,  I told him that it’s not right that he doesn’t even look at what I have to go through which is, a month before we start IVF I have to get off of my fibromyalgia medications and my seronegative rheumatoid arthritis medications, to which I go through withdrawal for a few weeks which is severely painful and I have no energy to even get out of bed. Being off my meds period I hurt so badly that it feels like torture. I then have to go on a extremely high dose of birth control due to my body doesn’t react the way it should, in fact it reacts like a 45-50 year woman’s body instead of a 32 year olds. the birth control makes me extremely paranoid sometimes to the point where I feel like my husband is trying to kill me. then I comes off of that and start taking the max doses of menopur and  Follistim which is painful and makes me very teary to everything.  then of course there the retrieval which is extremely painful which is made worse due to my chronic pain conditions, and then the transfer where I freak out for 2 weeks I walk on eggshells trying not to do anything that would make them not stick or have another miscarriage, not to mention I am now having to take a PIO shot in my hip which is one of my most severe triggers for my fibro. If it sticks and we are pregnant then I get to add a blood thinner shot in my stomach to help prevent me miscarrying,  which is the third most painful shot I have ever had, I have to take both shots until I am 3 months….

he says he understands but he feels like we don’t have time to put IVF off because my body acts way older then it should. I understand that but I just want to see him actually care about what I have to go through.

anyway, we are starting up IVF in August, so when I receive my period in august I stop all meds and start the high dose birth control.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

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Wed we have our next ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. The doctor says there should be considerable growth and should have a heart beat by Wed. If not I don’t know what will happen or what I will do… I have been taking the loss of the two babies ( one never attached and the other I miscarried) really hard. I kept putting it behind me and moving on when yesterday I tore into my husband griping about anything and everything until I started crying saying why does everyone act like they didn’t matter…  here’s what has happened….

Monday  Feb 25th was when I found out my HCG count was not as high as it should of been, I did not want to talk to anyone that day or the next because I knew what was probably happening though I never thought of one still be ok. At that time I had been pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies. I knew my reality… my family and friends don’t understand, they just say the same thing, “well it wont work unless you think positive” really?!?! bull shit. or ” it will be ok everything will be fine”  again really… hello people I have been threw this 6 times all ready I know the feeling I know the signs on top of which I know what my doctor is telling me. I had one friend that just kept trying to get a hold of me and once she started trying to get a hold of my husband I texted her saying look you are a good friend but we got bad news I don’t want to talk we find out Feb. 28th if we have any babies left. I will text you when I feel like talking. rude of me I know…

Feb 27th we had the ultrasound and doctor kept saying you are on track for 6 weeks but even hubby will agree he did not sound like it will be good news on march 6th… we will find out then.  but we did confirm that I did indeed lose 2 of the 3 babies. with only one being a miscarriage though but both hurt equally. I texted the same friend stating what the findings were, ” one baby never attached, we miscarried the 2nd baby and the 3rd baby is right where it needs to be says doctor though he doesn’t sound positive on it being viable though.” she texts me back “I’m so happy for you it’s right where it needs to be!! hey are you in town I need a ride home I have to put my car in the shop”   …. are you fucking kidding me!!!! how incentive and cruel! I just found out I lost 2 babies. I texted back we are in Frisco which is 2 1/2 hours away from her.  she texts back as long as you get here before 5 thanks….. we get there and she isn’t even there yet, when she does get there she gets in the car smiling and happy and greets us with cheer and asks so how are yall doing? I didn’t say a word hubby says tired and drained its been a long emotional day. she says yeah and then starts talking about utter bull shit and gossip…. we drop her off and I start crying again.

the following day Feb 28th she texts me in the morning asking how I was doing and what I wanted to do for the day…. again you have got to be fucking kidding me… she’s 23 years old, married and they are just now talking about trying to have a baby, she’s never been pregnant so I can understand she doesn’t really know what it is like but at 23 years old (I’m 32 in may so I know at least for me and all the rest of my friends) she should have common sense to know it hurts to lose a child. I texted her back a long text stating no I am not ok I  am hurting I lost 2 babies for a grand total of 8…..8!! ( I still can not believe I have lost 8 babies. ) it will take me a long time to grieve this loss and she writes back that she’s sorry I left it at that.

the next day March 1st later in afternoon she texts asking if I was feeling any better…. I didn’t text back

on Friday march 2nd she text asking if she can come over and pick up her makeup bag before she left town… the girl never wears makeup ever. She buys it like crazy but never wears it…ever. she brought over because she wanted to do my makeup for my hubbys bday dinner… hell no I am 32 years old I do not need to be looking trashy at his nice bday dinner so it just sat there. I said sure  her and her hubby head over a few hours later and when I opened the door I just handed her the bag and said have a safe journey bye. she tried to walk in I stepped in front of her she said how are you feeling I said how do you think I am feeling I lost 2 babies I feel horrible have a safe journey talk to you later…  I haven’t heard from her since and she is a good friend, I know she is just worried about me but for goodness sake learn some common sense it hurts to lose a child. and it takes a long time to grieve and move past never forget but able to move past.

now with everyone else…. most people tell me I need to relax and rejoice in the fact that there is still one baby left in there….. do not get me wrong.. I thank God everyday for another day he has given me with my baby. along with all the other blessings he has given me through the years. but I do not like how people just move on so quickly from the 2 we lost. like they were nothing at all. they meant a lot to me and hubby and our friends and family I feel should respect that.

and the last and horrible one to me…. I called my mother Wed night after the ultrasound to tell her the results… she ignored the 2 we lost completely and kept trying to move away from it. I told her mom you don’t understand I would of had twins but we lost one. she finally got it then hung up with me a few mins later cause she had to get ready for school the next day. she’s a teacher.  she had my 3 year old niece call me on Saturday because my niece wanted to talk to me, afterward she gets on the phone and asks what I was up to today…. I said not much I am not doing very well she gets aggravated with me and asks why I said its been a horrible week and she says why jess what has been wrong in your week….. I said um I lost 2 babies she said ok and… what made your week horrible…..

besides hubby no support…. like I said earlier I have no idea what I will do if this pregnancy isn’t viable. I pray everyone else is having a decent week.

 

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ok so we get called back and my heart starts beating a mile a minute. recap… they transferred 2 class 1 embryos and 1 class 2 embryo.  one of the embryos didn’t attach at all. I miscarried the 2nd baby… the third baby though is still hanging in there and doctor says baby looks right where it should be at around 6 weeks pregnant. there was no heart beat yet but he said not to worry though that’s it could be a little behind. I go back in a week to make sure that this is a viable pregnancy. He’s looking for considerable growth and next week we should be able to see the heart beating. morning sickness is starting to get a bit stronger…. i’m so conflicted with emotions, i’m so happy about the 3rd baby, but so sad about the other 2 babies. Hope everyone has a wonderful night. 6 week ultrasound

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was only 1023.. so now I have to go back to fertility clinic on Thursday for a ultrasound sound to find out what is wrong. She said could be that only one egg attached and could still be a healthy normal pregnancy or we could be losing all of them… I’m not having any sharp pain or any bleeding….  I asked if the number would be normal for a single baby but she said there’s no way to know for sure. but kept telling me it could be just one attached or that we lost one or two but the third is still ok… I am so upset and can’t believe I have to wait till Thursday to find out. I am praying that if anything that’s it’s just one baby and that that one baby is normal.

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it has been one whole week since we have been able to get any type of news on how well our baby(ies) are progressing. I believe everything to be good still though, I have not had any more spotting at all and no pain other then the achiness, pinching and pressure to which my fertility clinic says all is normal.  Also I have become so very tired lately that I started laying down during the day and at about 8pm I get super tired and just want to go to bed…. but I can’t go to bed until I do the PIO shot at 10:30 😦 so not fair. my nausea has gotten steadily worse this past week to which today during the middle of church of all times I had to run to barely make it in time to the toilet.  Breasts are still sore and my bras are starting to get tight… due to my fibromyalgia, I was hoping it would not kick in until 4-6 months pregnant but it has started already. My lower back is spasming and any time I get out of a chair, bed, couch… I get a intense burning sensation followed by a lighting sensation that shoots up my spine and down my legs. My hips are also killing me and are sitting at a level 7 pain all the time now, and my fibro skin is back, meaning my skin is extremely sensitive to the touch to a painful level.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful night.

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So my HCG count is up to 298 which the fertility doctor says my numbers are doing amazingly well! This time I get to wait a week till I have my 4th BETA but when I get those results we set up the first ultrasound appt!!! I so can not wait!! So today I am 4 weeks 5 days pregnant. I have tender breasts, a tiny bit of morning sickness all through out the day though I have not puked yet, I’m more tired then I have been but not enough for a nap yet,  I have pressure in my lower stomach and lower back pain to which the doctor says it’s normal, I feel like I am coming down with a head cold that has not arrived yet for days now and my appetite has decreased.  So all in all I feel great!! lol Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

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So far mood is pretty good especially after the wonderful news yesterday. I even haven’t cried at any more cute cat pictures 😉 so I am having a lot of achy pains in my stomach with bloating. I am so tired every day which could be meds or the fibromyalgia. The injections seem to have done something to help improve some of the other fibro pain. Headache is now just barely there. a huge general uncomfy feeling and any time I move my stomach goes ouch! I am loving it though lol I am so praying we can get to the retrieval this cycle.

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Feeling better

Feel much better today, only feel shaky and that’s hard to pinpoint cause it could be the meds or my fibromyalgia or cause I am diabetic.. should check my sugar… any who I’m just happy that I don’t feel so angry today.  Great day so far, had a wonderful service at church today, and now I am getting ready to cook some homemade Southern Red Beans and Rice, Yummy 🙂  and afterward I need to bake my Banana Nut Bread and my Chocolate Chip Cookies and Oatmeal and Raisin and Nut Cookies for hubby’s work and a thank you for all their hard work during the holiday season, figure they would enjoy having it before the busiest week of the year. Hope everyone is having a great day and my prayers and thoughts are with the family and friends of everyone who lost their lives in the Sandy Hook Shooting.

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I wish everyone a very happy thanksgiving and  if you are traveling please be safe!! Hubby and I are thankful for all the blessings God has bestowed upon us, one of many is,  we are very grateful that in December will be trying IVF once again.  I am very thankful for my husband  who has always stood by me and helped me get through such horrible times. Because of him I was able to renew and restore my faith in God who I am the most thankful for. I can never thank God enough for everything but I try to live each day better than the last and always be mindful of everyone around me. For many years I took the self-pity road for the abuse I had in my childhood, for the rapes I endured when I was 18, for the 6 babies I had lost… I felt as though I was setup from birth to do nothing but to have pain and suffer.. then fibromyalgia came along and brought its buddy seronegative rheumatoid arthritis to give me even more pain and suffering. I blamed God and kept asking him Why Me! What did I do that was so wrong to deserve all this pain and suffering. My husband started talking to me about God and Jesus and was able to get through to me that I was looking at it all the wrong way. I am a Fighter and I  fought everyday of my life and will continue to fight everyday to overcome my past and gain some peace. I am grateful for everything that I had to go through in the past and for the illnesses I have now because it opened my eyes to everyone else.  Everyone has their own story and every story is different. Who am I to think only of myself when I could take what I learned and help someone else.

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I am so overwhelmed right now, we are still trying to gather up all the meds for our next ivf cycle. The last check this month we will be getting another follistim 🙂 then nothing till last check in Nov… So I am dealing with my depression with doesn’t look like it will be letting up anytime soon, It is like everything hit me all at once again, My traumatic past, my miscarriages, new health problems and that my only ivf cycle was canceled.  I feel like I let my husband down once again.  Like everything I did  (getting my A1C down to a 5.6 and losing 50lbs) was for nothing ( I know it wasn’t though).  Then I have the Fibromyalgia and Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis which leads to a whole lot of extreme pain in different areas in my body day-to-day, with extreme fatigue and flu-like symptoms. It’s like you are coming down with the flu everyday but you never get the flu so never get over the flu… Then the last health problem for me is 2 years ago I had a tiny abnormal lump found in my left breast did an ultrasound and talked to a specialist who said he thought I had a 99.8% chance of it not being cancer, So I went along with it a year later a doctor decided to get a mammogram done on it and once again they said it’s probably not cancer so lets wait and see if it grows. So we moved and got set up with new doctors and had another mammogram done now that tiny lump is not tiny anymore (not huge either but big enough now that I can really feel it plus the results showed that it grew plus another abnormal lump in my right breast plus the density of both has changed…. they said we still think it’s probably not cancer but now we want to have you to do 2 mammograms a year instead of the normal once a year. by the way I’m only 31 dammit! I tried talking to a few about it, who in the end told me to not worry, because it’s normal “every woman goes through this”.  Every woman does have to get mammograms after the age 40, 1 time a year yes and a lot of women find a lump at least once in a life time most of which are NOT abnormal. I can’t get my mind off of it recently and my next mammogram isn’t till Dec. 😦  My father in law also came home from the hospital a few weeks ago after having his leg below the knee removed due to a really bad infection.  So it hurts to see him have to go through all the PT and home nurse visits though he is doing so much better now though.  Jason has entered the  holiday season at his job which means I never see him any more. I just really do feel so overwhelmed with everything.  Sorry this post is all negative hope everyone else has a wonderful day.

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