Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Cancer’

Well everything is a lot better now, my incision is still tender to the touch of course but I very little pain from that area anymore. Emotionally I am more stable now, still upset that I have to wait to do IVF again if at all but I’m becoming ok with that and getting excited about adoption! I have a month checkup with my kidney doctor Thursday and will set up my first appointment to have me checked to see if the cancer has come back. It’s so strange to me to think I had cancer. I feel so guilty about it because I had it for maybe a month and don’t have to have treatment. I had a grandmother and an uncle who went through the works treatment wise and lost their battle to it. while others went through the works with treatment and survived. I don’t feel like it’s right for me to cry about it or say that I am a cancer survivor… what did I survive?  a surgery, granted a very painful surgery, but does that give me the right to tell people, that I am a cancer survivor….

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

I was so brave in the beginning thinking of nothing but wanting the cancer out. I’ve been so good and faithful to give God the glory and tell my testimony to show how God had His hands all over this. I had my surgery on April 23rd and never thought before hand of the pain I was fixing to go through. When I awoke in recovery I had never felt a physical pain this bad before, I was in recovery twice as long as my surgery. Surgery went well they said, they got all of the cancer they said, but all I could do was cry and scream, give me something for this pain! they gave me the max dose of Demerol then sat by my bed telling me to slow my breathing. They rolled me upstairs and told me take a deep breath and lifted me up by the sheet. I screamed bloody murder and begged please stop but they wouldn’t listen. Four days fly by and they send me home like I hadn’t just had a major surgery and part of my kidney cut off. I can’t sleep and can’t eat due to the pain, the pain killers not even touching my pain.  So here I am 2 weeks later still with so much pain I can barely sit in a chair, I busted 2 stitches and wasn’t prepared for these feeling after…

I want to scream from the pain but also from these emotions welling up inside of me. IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I scream in my head! How much more do I have to go through, when can I get a break. I’ve already lost so much already. No one really understands unless you have been through it, yes, I’m glad they got the cancer and  that I don’t have to go through treatment but damn it, it still took everything. By the time I get cleared to go back and try IVF again will I have any eggs left? I started with <.16 so I doubt very much I will. People tell me don’t sweat it hun you can still adopt, and we probably will. But it’s so hard to say that’s it no more IVF’s, I feel like if I do say it then it’s like I’m telling my babies goodbye.  With mother’s day on Sunday all I can do this week is cry, I have way to many people who don’t think I count as a mom even though I have lost 9 beautiful babies. I’m sorry I’m all over the place I just can focus my thoughts, all I feel is pain everywhere.

Read Full Post »

We have found out that I have kidney cancer, so we wont be able to do IVF anymore. Thank you all for sharing my ups and downs along this journey my husband and I have had. We do plan on adopting once we take care of this cancer. I still pray for all of you out there that struggles with infertility. I will start posting on here again once we start the process of adopting 🙂 praying many blessings over you all!!

Read Full Post »

So it has been a while since I have written, I just haven’t known what to write.  I have to many thoughts and feeling going on inside me that I’m not sure how to get in order and deal with them. I’m so scared that I missed my shot with having a baby.  We keep saying we will try IVF again but road blocks keep popping up.  To many medical issues decided to pop up together, so many that I feel like my love ones think im a hypochondriac, the fact is I have had to fight for so long to have a doctor actually look past the fact that I’m fat to see that my pain and many other symptoms are not because I’m fat. So 2 years ago a doctor finally decided to run blood tests and finally they saw that I wasn’t faking, ever since then a lot of issues just go wrong.  I have doctors who are mad at me because I refuse treatment to try to have a baby and tell me to just call them up when I am ready to start getting better again. But I’m dealing with it, yes I have horrible pain everyday and fatigue, but I manage. But now I am freaking out along with my husband because we had a few people tell us that we really should get the breast lumps checked for cancer before we start IVF again because the of estrogen shot or something like that can make it grow faster. I am already scheduled for a mammogram in Dec since I now have to have a mammogram twice a year. I thinking about just asking them to biopsy the damn lumps already so maybe I can have some peace of mind. I don’t know why they haven’t already done so since the lumps  have grown and the breast density has changed. You know the sad thing is all I can think of if it is cancer is we have already spent $4,000 of IVF meds that will expire way before we will be able to use them! plus I feel like unless we adopt we wouldn’t be able to have a baby.

Read Full Post »

I am so overwhelmed right now, we are still trying to gather up all the meds for our next ivf cycle. The last check this month we will be getting another follistim 🙂 then nothing till last check in Nov… So I am dealing with my depression with doesn’t look like it will be letting up anytime soon, It is like everything hit me all at once again, My traumatic past, my miscarriages, new health problems and that my only ivf cycle was canceled.  I feel like I let my husband down once again.  Like everything I did  (getting my A1C down to a 5.6 and losing 50lbs) was for nothing ( I know it wasn’t though).  Then I have the Fibromyalgia and Seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis which leads to a whole lot of extreme pain in different areas in my body day-to-day, with extreme fatigue and flu-like symptoms. It’s like you are coming down with the flu everyday but you never get the flu so never get over the flu… Then the last health problem for me is 2 years ago I had a tiny abnormal lump found in my left breast did an ultrasound and talked to a specialist who said he thought I had a 99.8% chance of it not being cancer, So I went along with it a year later a doctor decided to get a mammogram done on it and once again they said it’s probably not cancer so lets wait and see if it grows. So we moved and got set up with new doctors and had another mammogram done now that tiny lump is not tiny anymore (not huge either but big enough now that I can really feel it plus the results showed that it grew plus another abnormal lump in my right breast plus the density of both has changed…. they said we still think it’s probably not cancer but now we want to have you to do 2 mammograms a year instead of the normal once a year. by the way I’m only 31 dammit! I tried talking to a few about it, who in the end told me to not worry, because it’s normal “every woman goes through this”.  Every woman does have to get mammograms after the age 40, 1 time a year yes and a lot of women find a lump at least once in a life time most of which are NOT abnormal. I can’t get my mind off of it recently and my next mammogram isn’t till Dec. 😦  My father in law also came home from the hospital a few weeks ago after having his leg below the knee removed due to a really bad infection.  So it hurts to see him have to go through all the PT and home nurse visits though he is doing so much better now though.  Jason has entered the  holiday season at his job which means I never see him any more. I just really do feel so overwhelmed with everything.  Sorry this post is all negative hope everyone else has a wonderful day.

Read Full Post »