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Archive for May, 2014

I was so brave in the beginning thinking of nothing but wanting the cancer out. I’ve been so good and faithful to give God the glory and tell my testimony to show how God had His hands all over this. I had my surgery on April 23rd and never thought before hand of the pain I was fixing to go through. When I awoke in recovery I had never felt a physical pain this bad before, I was in recovery twice as long as my surgery. Surgery went well they said, they got all of the cancer they said, but all I could do was cry and scream, give me something for this pain! they gave me the max dose of Demerol then sat by my bed telling me to slow my breathing. They rolled me upstairs and told me take a deep breath and lifted me up by the sheet. I screamed bloody murder and begged please stop but they wouldn’t listen. Four days fly by and they send me home like I hadn’t just had a major surgery and part of my kidney cut off. I can’t sleep and can’t eat due to the pain, the pain killers not even touching my pain.  So here I am 2 weeks later still with so much pain I can barely sit in a chair, I busted 2 stitches and wasn’t prepared for these feeling after…

I want to scream from the pain but also from these emotions welling up inside of me. IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I scream in my head! How much more do I have to go through, when can I get a break. I’ve already lost so much already. No one really understands unless you have been through it, yes, I’m glad they got the cancer and  that I don’t have to go through treatment but damn it, it still took everything. By the time I get cleared to go back and try IVF again will I have any eggs left? I started with <.16 so I doubt very much I will. People tell me don’t sweat it hun you can still adopt, and we probably will. But it’s so hard to say that’s it no more IVF’s, I feel like if I do say it then it’s like I’m telling my babies goodbye.  With mother’s day on Sunday all I can do this week is cry, I have way to many people who don’t think I count as a mom even though I have lost 9 beautiful babies. I’m sorry I’m all over the place I just can focus my thoughts, all I feel is pain everywhere.

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