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Archive for September, 2012

I have learned a very valuable lesson today. When someone degrades and belittles me it’s not me that is worthless, unimportant, and doesn’t deserve to be loved. Their words are reflecting how they really feel about themselves which is really quite sad and I pray that one day they will be able to take a good hard look at themself and learn to fix their own soul instead of lashing out because it’s broken. It’s a very hard process and sometimes quite scary to look within and admit your broken. It took me most of my life to take that advice and look at myself, I had to hit my bottom before I finally realized it wasn’t everyone else that was the problem.  My marriage was on its last leg about 5 years ago and I had hit a wall and instead of trying to figure out how to get around this wall I just kept running straight into the wall and let me tell you it hurt! I was so depressed and I just wanted it to end I saw no way out so I somehow made it okay to take it out on my husband, and Jason the great guy he is, took it for years and stayed with me thinking I will wake up eventually, and I did.  It took until I lost my last baby and my last tube to wake me up, why then and not anything else I don’t know.  I started out with teaching myself though I had a very hard and traumatic life that not everyone is out to get me which means it’s not right to treat everyone like they were/are my abusers. Once I had that lesson down  other lessons were learned easily, but todays lesson is one I have struggled with for all my life. It’s so hard for me to see that I have worth and am someone who deserves to be loved even though I have flaws and make mistakes it doesn’t take away my worth it’s who GOD made me to be flaws and all.   I pray that these people who take out their broken souls on everyone else will take my advice or at least seek some help and just know it is worth it in the end,  though I’m sure I will be learning lessons till the day I die,  no one wants to face their flaws but you have to go through the darkness to appreciate the light.

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It’s taking longer then I thought to really get up out of bed and get stuff done.  The last two days I made myself get up and get the laundry done and pick up the house etc… My husband and I finally started our walks again 2 days ago, only doing 3 miles so far though.  I have to work my way back up to the 5 miles plus the step ups plus the swimming which I can’t do anymore the water is to cold 😦  so I thought I would see if I can get a cardio workout dvd to replace the swimming.  I’m down 2lbs which is good  but its going slowly… I talked to my rheumy doctor and they will not allow me to get back on my fibromyalgia and seronegative RH pills :/    he said I have to be off all pills for 3 months before doing IVF  so there is no sense in getting back on the pills. at least with the hormone injections it curved the pain and fatigue enough i could get up and done stuff around the house.

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I am giving myself 4 months to lose 40lbs at which time we will be trying the IVF cycle again.  So far it’s really hard to get out of bed for either me or my husband 😦 but I really want to get back on my diet and start shedding the pounds.  We went to go see his dad at the hospital today and decided while we were out to get me a haircut, It seemed right for me at least new look for a fresh start. What do y’all think of the new haircut?

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broken-hearted

so the ultrasound we thought went good but then they called and told me the hormone was at 277 so they canceled this ivf cycle and said we can go at it again next month. we wont have enough money to go again till Jan/feb and the good news is we can actually buy the  meds little by little till we have every one of them. I’m trying to think of the positives like well this gives me more time to get way under 200lbs and i can get back on my fibro meds to get out of pain again till we go again.  I can’t help but think if I  would have just done something more or different maybe it would have work…

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I have stopped freaking out about whether or not my body was doing what it was supposed to since it is, plus my father-in-law is doing really good after his surgery and we wont know if he will need another surgery till monday.  So for now I am putting aside the worrying and getting the house prepared for his return home and to make it easier on us during the egg retrieval and transfer.  I’m really hoping that we will find out monday roughly when we may have the egg retrieval.  My stomach is starting to have some small cramps on the upper part, the nurse at the ivf center told me that is a good sign and I guess it was since the blood test and ultrasound came back good 🙂 I feel like my body has gotten use to the hormone injections now because I feel a lot better now, I’m  no longer crying at everything and no longer snapping but I know that will only be for a very short while I figure till the new injections start, the trigger shot and then the PIO.  sunday Jason and I start taking the Z-pack.. BLAH but I know it’s for the best so I will suck it up and just do it, plus it’s only for 5 days.  so I’m off to finish up laundry and picking up the house hope everyone is having a good day.

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ok I don’t have much time so ultrasound went well today I have 1 follicle on each ovary that is showing growth!! 🙂 then the to top it all off my blood test showed the hormone level at 120!!!! so the ivf doctor says I’m right on track we couldn’t be happier with the IVF!!!

Now the bad news… my father in law had to go to the hospital last night for a bad infection in his foot. as of 2:30pm central time they decided to do surgery and try to remove most of the infection if not all and then take a look at how it is the next couple of days to see if they got it all if not more surgery… he seems to be doing ok spirits wise and will hopefully be out of surgery by 6-7pm hope everyone is doing well today.

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I can really feel the difference from the 1 vial of menopur to the 2 vials, I can barely sit with myself I feel horrible 😦  Jason was able to work everything out so that he is able to go with me tomorrow to the Dallas clinic for the blood test and ultrasound I am really praying that the increase dose is making my body do what it is supposed to be doing.  I hope everyone else is doing good .

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so I had my first blood test to see how my body is reacting to the hormone shots and the doctor himself called me up and told me that I have to go see him for a blood test and ultrasound because my estradiol was 70 on august 23rd and todays test it was 23… I don’t understand why even after I started taking the hormone shots!!! so he wants to do an ultrasound friday to see if it’s heading the right direction after my new dose increase. 2 vials of menopur now. the nurse called after I hung up with the doctor to make sure I had been told about the clotting disorder and what would happen med wise and when, so we asked her about the blood work up and they said we shouldn’t worry yet since it is still pretty early on in the IVF cycle and we still have time for my body to kick in I just don’t think I have the money to wait it out longer than 2 more weeks. but she sounded like it didn’t come as a surprise and yeah I can see that with my Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH) being a <0.16 that everything wasn’t going to go perfect but still 😦 but I yelled and cried and screamed and cried some more and now I am feeling a lot more calm and ready to get on with this and do what needs to be done. I hope everyone else is having a good day.

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I am having another one of those cry for no reason days.  I’m on day 2 of the menopur and follistim and so far I am feel just the tiniest bit more emotional but I am having a ton of pain in my stomach though!  I’m not sure if it’s my fibromyalgia or the scar tissue from the 2 ectopic surgeries I had or from the shots? maybe even a combo of all three who knows… I hate it though I feel horrible all the time now. I keep trying to get up and clean and work out but once I’m up I’m quickly right back down.  my pain level in my stomach is sitting between 4-7. while sitting/lying down it’s about a 4 but once I start moving quickly heads up to the 7. I’m so frustrated with it, it felt great this morning with the temp at 63 I wanted to go for a walk     😦 maybe tomorrow it will still feel great out but I’ll be in less pain.  I hate feeling so confined to the house!

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Ok so day 1 of the menopur and follistim shots (hormone shots). The Menopur shot not that bad, short needle and it really didn’t hurt or sting, the Follistim shot on the other hand hurt pretty bad for about 15 mins… we shall see how tomm’s shots goes.

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