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Archive for June, 2013

I fell into a deep dark depression. One where there was no hope and no way out. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I have lost 9 babies… 9 precious babies.  Babies that I long to hold, to kiss, to tell them how much mommy wanted them and how much mommy loves them. to say it’s not fair is a understatement. It took me a couple of months but I threw myself into my church. I wanted answers to which I received none, but learned instead that God loves me and He loves my babies and they are with him and he will hug and kiss them until mommy is called home.  hubby and I discussed doing IVF again, hubby wanted to I didn’t. I got so mad at him, I felt like he didn’t even care that we just lost 3 babies in March,  that he doesn’t care what IVF itself does to me. I finally sat him down and told him how I felt,  I told him that it’s not right that he doesn’t even look at what I have to go through which is, a month before we start IVF I have to get off of my fibromyalgia medications and my seronegative rheumatoid arthritis medications, to which I go through withdrawal for a few weeks which is severely painful and I have no energy to even get out of bed. Being off my meds period I hurt so badly that it feels like torture. I then have to go on a extremely high dose of birth control due to my body doesn’t react the way it should, in fact it reacts like a 45-50 year woman’s body instead of a 32 year olds. the birth control makes me extremely paranoid sometimes to the point where I feel like my husband is trying to kill me. then I comes off of that and start taking the max doses of menopur and  Follistim which is painful and makes me very teary to everything.  then of course there the retrieval which is extremely painful which is made worse due to my chronic pain conditions, and then the transfer where I freak out for 2 weeks I walk on eggshells trying not to do anything that would make them not stick or have another miscarriage, not to mention I am now having to take a PIO shot in my hip which is one of my most severe triggers for my fibro. If it sticks and we are pregnant then I get to add a blood thinner shot in my stomach to help prevent me miscarrying,  which is the third most painful shot I have ever had, I have to take both shots until I am 3 months….

he says he understands but he feels like we don’t have time to put IVF off because my body acts way older then it should. I understand that but I just want to see him actually care about what I have to go through.

anyway, we are starting up IVF in August, so when I receive my period in august I stop all meds and start the high dose birth control.  I hope everyone is having a wonderful day.

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