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Posts Tagged ‘Health’

I just want to wake up and get dress and head out to Frisco for my ultrasound to see my baby heartbeat…. Everything just feels like I’m stuck in a nightmare. We have received so much love and support from our church which has really helped. Our friends from church were really helpful with bringing by dinners and just being there for us. I have a couple who live next-door that I have no clue what to do with them. The lady is friends with me, She called 3 times on Wed the 13th, It’s the day we found out we would lose baby, I finally answered her and told her bluntly cause I was having a extremely hard time keeping anything together that day, that we lost baby and I couldn’t talk she said come over here I said no I can’t talk I’m going back to be with my husband. The 14th she called 3 times I let it go to voice mail all 3 times, the first one was “I couldn’t sleep last night and I’m having a hard time right now. I really need my friend to come over and we don’t have to talk we can just watch movies but I really need you to come over” the second phone call about the say thing and the third stated she would “leave me be for a few days then get back on my ass to come over and watch movies” She didn’t by the way she called everyday with yesterdays telling me how she is so depressed and really needs her friend, and as a after thought stated yeah I guess your kind of depressed too…. This is a woman who when she lost a friend in Dec who she knew for a few years on and off stayed shit face drunk for 2 months straight from morning to night. I tried to get her to leave her house go get some lunch sober up some… she refused for 2 months…. I lost 3 babies why the fuck would I want to head over to my neighbors house where I don’t feel comfy to grieve the loss of my 3 babies. not to mention, in case some people don’t really know this, Miscarriage i’m sure everyone can understand the emotional pain that follows but there in the beginning of a miscarriage is it extremely painful physically! No joke.  My doctors were in the middle of deciding if  they would do a D and C  or not when too late… My body took 5 days to start bleeding from the 13th when we learned that we would lose baby. I deluded myself into thinking the doctor was wrong and that I wasn’t losing baby because I wasn’t bleeding and I wasn’t hurting. I was at dinner with a bunch of church friends when the pain hit.  It feels like to me like someone took a huge knife and stabbed me in my lower stomach then withdrew and reinserted then twisted the blade around and kept repeating.  We came back home I started bleeding and the pain grew much more intense to where my husband was crying and yelling at me over me screaming from the pain that maybe we should just go to the ER. Why? There’s nothing they would do for me besides give me a fast acting pain killer. so he took one of the pain killers my fertility doctor gave me a hydrocodone 5.5 and crushed it up in small tiny pieces so it would kick it faster and made me swallow it with water and that was nasty tasting … jumped into shower to sit under hot hot water to see if that would help, nope, thirty minutes later i’m screaming even louder the pain pill should of kicked in by then but nothing so I took another hydrocodone 5.5 not crushed this time. 1 hour later it still wasn’t working, the pain was so intense, I had screamed my voice hoarse, and the hot water was doing nothing for me. I couldn’t chance another pain killer so I had hubby help me to bed. Needless to say I couldn’t sleep, and have maybe gotten a few hours sleep a night due to the pain and the emotions from losing baby. Monday 18th we got a hold of my regular OB and he wants to have me check my HCG level in a few days (prob Monday 25th) to see where it is at, if it’s still pretty high then will do a D and C if it’s low then wait and recheck in a few days to see if I can miscarry on my own. I tried telling them I’m in extreme pain, I’m barely bleeding and have had only tiny tiny clots which means I still have not lost baby and barely any of the lining. He said even though they were really tiny clots the process has already begun and he would rather it be natural. I wouldn’t it’s to painful physically and emotionally.  They did write me a script for hydrocodone 10.375 which they said I’m allowed to take 1-2 within a 3 hour period. I stick to the lower dose pain pill during the day or not at all, and I take 1 higher dose at night, luckily the pain has not reached the intensity of that first night again though it comes a little bit close. Hubby is going to try to call the OB at 2pm today to see if they have reached a decision yet. I pray they have and that it’s a D and C…….

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we went for our ultrasound today and the baby no longer had a heartbeat. Doctor says it was a chromosome problem. He says just because this one had a chromosome problem does not mean the next one will be and he seemed confident that we will have a baby. his bedside manner was really good and we asked if it would be a huge issue if we would just take some time away from ivf to grieve and maybe lose some more weight. he says I am young and though my AMH is very low he doesn’t think it will be a problem. He says my problem isn’t getting pregnant since I have been pregnant 7 times now, now it’s just getting me to keep the baby so it needs to be the right time right place. I feel so numb then I will bawl for a while then numb again. the stupidest stuff starts me crying like I was going to order maternity pants next week… I can’t believe I have lost 9 babies..

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ok today’s ultrasound… we were able to see the heartbeat and hear the heartbeat but the heart rate was a bit slower then it should of been. the baby last week measured 5 weeks and 4 days today it measured 6 weeks 1 day meaning it only showed 4 days of growth when it should of been 7 days of growth though doc said the baby was hugging the wall real close so we were not able to get a good picture so she was not able to measure it completely which means it could of been 7 days growth if not close to. my doc say to be cautiously optimistic but so far it is telling the baby isn’t growing as much as it needs to. We head back Wed next week for another ultrasound to see how much baby has grown yet again. We ask for prayers please for baby to be growing big and strong. The doctors don’t sound like they have much hope….
My church had a healing service tonight which our worship leader pastor Jeff had heard about our story Tues night said he prayed all day Wed and said he really felt God say that hubby and I really needed to be at the altar to be healed! It was so wonderful and I can tell you that I am healed!!! Rutherford OB2 Rutherford OB3

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Wed we have our next ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. The doctor says there should be considerable growth and should have a heart beat by Wed. If not I don’t know what will happen or what I will do… I have been taking the loss of the two babies ( one never attached and the other I miscarried) really hard. I kept putting it behind me and moving on when yesterday I tore into my husband griping about anything and everything until I started crying saying why does everyone act like they didn’t matter…  here’s what has happened….

Monday  Feb 25th was when I found out my HCG count was not as high as it should of been, I did not want to talk to anyone that day or the next because I knew what was probably happening though I never thought of one still be ok. At that time I had been pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies. I knew my reality… my family and friends don’t understand, they just say the same thing, “well it wont work unless you think positive” really?!?! bull shit. or ” it will be ok everything will be fine”  again really… hello people I have been threw this 6 times all ready I know the feeling I know the signs on top of which I know what my doctor is telling me. I had one friend that just kept trying to get a hold of me and once she started trying to get a hold of my husband I texted her saying look you are a good friend but we got bad news I don’t want to talk we find out Feb. 28th if we have any babies left. I will text you when I feel like talking. rude of me I know…

Feb 27th we had the ultrasound and doctor kept saying you are on track for 6 weeks but even hubby will agree he did not sound like it will be good news on march 6th… we will find out then.  but we did confirm that I did indeed lose 2 of the 3 babies. with only one being a miscarriage though but both hurt equally. I texted the same friend stating what the findings were, ” one baby never attached, we miscarried the 2nd baby and the 3rd baby is right where it needs to be says doctor though he doesn’t sound positive on it being viable though.” she texts me back “I’m so happy for you it’s right where it needs to be!! hey are you in town I need a ride home I have to put my car in the shop”   …. are you fucking kidding me!!!! how incentive and cruel! I just found out I lost 2 babies. I texted back we are in Frisco which is 2 1/2 hours away from her.  she texts back as long as you get here before 5 thanks….. we get there and she isn’t even there yet, when she does get there she gets in the car smiling and happy and greets us with cheer and asks so how are yall doing? I didn’t say a word hubby says tired and drained its been a long emotional day. she says yeah and then starts talking about utter bull shit and gossip…. we drop her off and I start crying again.

the following day Feb 28th she texts me in the morning asking how I was doing and what I wanted to do for the day…. again you have got to be fucking kidding me… she’s 23 years old, married and they are just now talking about trying to have a baby, she’s never been pregnant so I can understand she doesn’t really know what it is like but at 23 years old (I’m 32 in may so I know at least for me and all the rest of my friends) she should have common sense to know it hurts to lose a child. I texted her back a long text stating no I am not ok I  am hurting I lost 2 babies for a grand total of 8…..8!! ( I still can not believe I have lost 8 babies. ) it will take me a long time to grieve this loss and she writes back that she’s sorry I left it at that.

the next day March 1st later in afternoon she texts asking if I was feeling any better…. I didn’t text back

on Friday march 2nd she text asking if she can come over and pick up her makeup bag before she left town… the girl never wears makeup ever. She buys it like crazy but never wears it…ever. she brought over because she wanted to do my makeup for my hubbys bday dinner… hell no I am 32 years old I do not need to be looking trashy at his nice bday dinner so it just sat there. I said sure  her and her hubby head over a few hours later and when I opened the door I just handed her the bag and said have a safe journey bye. she tried to walk in I stepped in front of her she said how are you feeling I said how do you think I am feeling I lost 2 babies I feel horrible have a safe journey talk to you later…  I haven’t heard from her since and she is a good friend, I know she is just worried about me but for goodness sake learn some common sense it hurts to lose a child. and it takes a long time to grieve and move past never forget but able to move past.

now with everyone else…. most people tell me I need to relax and rejoice in the fact that there is still one baby left in there….. do not get me wrong.. I thank God everyday for another day he has given me with my baby. along with all the other blessings he has given me through the years. but I do not like how people just move on so quickly from the 2 we lost. like they were nothing at all. they meant a lot to me and hubby and our friends and family I feel should respect that.

and the last and horrible one to me…. I called my mother Wed night after the ultrasound to tell her the results… she ignored the 2 we lost completely and kept trying to move away from it. I told her mom you don’t understand I would of had twins but we lost one. she finally got it then hung up with me a few mins later cause she had to get ready for school the next day. she’s a teacher.  she had my 3 year old niece call me on Saturday because my niece wanted to talk to me, afterward she gets on the phone and asks what I was up to today…. I said not much I am not doing very well she gets aggravated with me and asks why I said its been a horrible week and she says why jess what has been wrong in your week….. I said um I lost 2 babies she said ok and… what made your week horrible…..

besides hubby no support…. like I said earlier I have no idea what I will do if this pregnancy isn’t viable. I pray everyone else is having a decent week.

 

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ok so we get called back and my heart starts beating a mile a minute. recap… they transferred 2 class 1 embryos and 1 class 2 embryo.  one of the embryos didn’t attach at all. I miscarried the 2nd baby… the third baby though is still hanging in there and doctor says baby looks right where it should be at around 6 weeks pregnant. there was no heart beat yet but he said not to worry though that’s it could be a little behind. I go back in a week to make sure that this is a viable pregnancy. He’s looking for considerable growth and next week we should be able to see the heart beating. morning sickness is starting to get a bit stronger…. i’m so conflicted with emotions, i’m so happy about the 3rd baby, but so sad about the other 2 babies. Hope everyone has a wonderful night. 6 week ultrasound

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was only 1023.. so now I have to go back to fertility clinic on Thursday for a ultrasound sound to find out what is wrong. She said could be that only one egg attached and could still be a healthy normal pregnancy or we could be losing all of them… I’m not having any sharp pain or any bleeding….  I asked if the number would be normal for a single baby but she said there’s no way to know for sure. but kept telling me it could be just one attached or that we lost one or two but the third is still ok… I am so upset and can’t believe I have to wait till Thursday to find out. I am praying that if anything that’s it’s just one baby and that that one baby is normal.

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So my HCG count is up to 298 which the fertility doctor says my numbers are doing amazingly well! This time I get to wait a week till I have my 4th BETA but when I get those results we set up the first ultrasound appt!!! I so can not wait!! So today I am 4 weeks 5 days pregnant. I have tender breasts, a tiny bit of morning sickness all through out the day though I have not puked yet, I’m more tired then I have been but not enough for a nap yet,  I have pressure in my lower stomach and lower back pain to which the doctor says it’s normal, I feel like I am coming down with a head cold that has not arrived yet for days now and my appetite has decreased.  So all in all I feel great!! lol Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

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So my 2nd BETA results are in!!! 104!!!!! Which more then doubled so makes me think it may be twins! 🙂 I’m so excited and happy,  It’s one hell of a long road and we still have one hell of a long road to go but I think I can see light now! I have had no more cramping and no more spotting at all! I took the RH negative shot yesterday and ouch.  Now they have me on Lovenox injection and again OUCH, but they said it wont be long that I’m on it.  Thanks for all the warm thoughts and wishes, prayers and support I could not have gotten through all of this without yall. Reading all of yall’s story’s with helpful tip’s and advice really helped me out. Hope everyone has a wonderfully blessed day!  

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So the pain has died down a whole lot to just a very mild mild pain when my bladder is full, which by the way I have to go more often already?? never had to get up in the middle of the night to go pee and now I’m up twice a night just to pee. Is that the PIO cause it seems waaayyyy to early for prego symptoms. I also have very very moody or hurt feelings very easy lately. I also have pretty tender sore breasts but I know that the last two I listed is from the PIO. The infertility monster is starting to rear its head today…. every time I pee I’m looking for blood. but I have no symptoms of this ivf not taking or a miscarriage. though this is my first time getting this far with ivf so I don’t know if it is the same. I feel pretty good my tummy is nice and bloated and like I said the pain has really died down. I’m feeling pretty good that this cycle will work for us. the PIO shots were not that bad till today… day 5 on those shots but now both hips are getting bruised so starting to hurt a lot more. Hope everyone is doing great and Come on Feb 13th hurry up and get here so I can find out the results!!!!

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me with a picture of our 3 little embryos right after our transfer

me with a picture of our 3 little embryos right after our transfer

So had the transfer yesterday!! The embryologist wasn’t there when we first arrived, so the doctor came in and explained why he was doing the transfer 2 day and not 3. There was no issues he had just decided that he wanted to transfer all 3 of them into me to give us the best chance due to our history but he said I don’t know how your eggs are doing since the other doctor isn’t here yet. . About 30 mins later the embryologist showed up and my bladder was so mad at him but quickly forgave him because he showed us a picture of our little eggies and then explained the grading scale, for those who do not know… it goes class 1 through class 5, 5 being very poor and 1 being excellent. so 1 of our little eggies was a class 2, it was a 5 cell embryo but had slight fragmentation which made it drop to the class 2. the other 2 embryos were 4 celled perfect circle embryos that were class 1!!!!!! So they took me into the room to get the transfer and allowed Jason to scrub up and go also. Hubby kept busting out a camera trying to video tape the procedure!?! Hello!! mot going to happen! and did not happen! He quickly got over it through when they brought in the embryos and transferred them 🙂 The doctor came in the room again after the transfer and told us “well I wasn’t expecting your embryos to be the best of the best which is why I had decided to transfer all three. So I just wanted to let yall know and understand that triplets is a major possibility since all three embryos were so great. Now we will be hoping and praying of 1 -2 babies because triplet pregnancy comes with a lot of complications’. I do not see why this cycle would not work at all but please understand that they may not implant or we could still miscarry.” TRIPLETS?!?! Oh my goodness….. oh and hubbies first words after doctors speech were… “I don’t know if I can do 3 college funds?!?!?!” LOL that’s my husband always thinking about money. so I was on bed rest yesterday and couch potato today and if hubby had his way I would be on bed rest till pregnancy test which is Feb 13th. Oh I was wondering if any of you have experienced stomach pain more then cramping ranging from mild to moderate, it comes in waves and I have notice that it gets bad when I have pressure like when i got to pee! Would that be the follicles or from the transfer do yall think? I understand with my fibromyalgia the pain feels worse then it probably is but OUCH man. Hope everyone has a great day!

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