Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’

So we received the call around noon today that out of my 5 eggies 3 of them fertilized and have no abnormalities! My doctor has decided to go ahead and do the transfer tomorrow morning since he wants to implant all three of the eggs. He says, no since in waiting around to see if one egg is better then the other egg since he will be implanting all three, they will have a better chance inside me. Suddenly I am scared shitless. I am freaking out so bad and I don’t know if its the infertility monster or the hormones or both. I honestly believe God will see us through to the end with a healthy baby, but for some reason I am still so scared. Hubby wants to get a hotel room after the transfer and stay the night so I can get bed rest right away. Nurse thinks it is fine to drive home after we leave the ivf center. I think hubby will win this one though…

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 We have lost 7 babies in all.

I lost my first baby at the end of the year 2000, I was so young (18) that I really didn’t comprehend how great of a loss I just had.  I thought I was somewhat lucky that I lost the baby that way I didn’t have to tell my family or friends what a huge mistake I had made. Looking back at it though that huge mistake is now just a small bump in the road and I married that baby’s daddy.  Jason and I got married August 1st 2001,  we both wanted kids so badly but wanted to wait to start trying till the 2nd year of marriage.  Sept 16, 2001  is one of the worse days of our marriage, we learned the news that Jason’s Angel was murdered. Angel was a miracle baby and it never mattered what type of day you had, when she looked at you, you smiled and nothing else mattered.  Jason and I were so in love with her and tried so hard to adopt her. Her parents , the father was related to Jason,  treated the baby so badly, CPS came in and put Angel in the care of Jason’s mother and father.  Somehow the parents were able to come take the baby back. One day the parents went and got really high and proceeded to murder her and I’ll leave it at that it hurts too much to think about everything she was put through.  We were heartbroken along side of everybody else who truly loved that baby.

About 6 months after Angel passed away we decided to go a head and start trying for a baby of our own.  Sadly it took until 2003 for us to even get pregnant when we rushed off to the ER not even knowing we were pregnant with the worst pain of my life (up to that point). We were rushed into a ER room, they took blood from me and prepped me for surgery just in case, 2 hours we waited to hear what was wrong with me when they came into the room and told us we were pregnant.  I was so excited for a second till total utter fear came in because I was bleeding too much for that to be a good sign. 30 mins later they came in and said you have miscarried, we were crushed, they gave me the RH negative shot and sent me home like what we were going through was nothing.  It took till June 2004 for us to become pregnant again with our 3rd baby everything seemed to be going good for a few weeks then one night my stomach erupted in sharp pain and I started bleeding  so once again we rushed off to the ER to hear the news we did not want to hear, this one too was lost to us, they gave me another RH Negative shot and sent us home.  Our fourth baby came to us in November 2004, this one looked to be really going good and we made it all the way to December 24, 2004 when once again I was overcome with sharp pain in my stomach followed by heavy bleeding.  We decided to wait and grieve a few years after our 4th baby, It hurt to much to even think about putting ourselves through anymore losses.   November 28th 2006 we learned that we were pregnant once again and everything was going great this time around,  I had some morning sickness and I was craving pickles like crazy.  We had our first appointment set up for after the holidays. December 31st 2006 11:25pm we rushed to the ER for spotting, 12:20am January 1st 2007 we learned our baby had a heart beat but it would not make it because it was ectopic. They rushed me upstairs for emergency surgery for my tube had ruptured and could endanger my life from bleeding out. I was 2 months pregnant… my doctor told us the surgery went great and that everything should be ok now.  December 2007 we once again learned we were pregnant.  This time I had nothing but fear. As soon as the test showed I was pregnant I started bawling.   My doctor got us in to see him a few weeks into January 2008, it took a couple of visits, but we again learned that my fears came true and it was yet again ectopic. I had no choice; I received a shot and was told hopefully it was caught in time so we could avoid having to have surgery this time.  February 4th 2008 for the last time I was rushed to the ER for my tube was rupturing. Surgery once again went good but now I am tubeless and our choices are either IVF (in vitro fertilization) or adopting.  August 2012 our first IVF was canceled due to my body not reacting enough to the hormone shots we will be doing IVF again looks like in Dec or Jan 2012/13.

It’s so hard to understand why this has happened. I’m so grateful to my husband for through it all we have gotten so strong and close because of it, where others sadly tear apart. People never know how to handle the situation I’ve been told everything from; be grateful that you didn’t lose the baby after it was born; it wasn’t the right time this time but you can try again; why would I wish you a happy mother’s day when you are not a mom.  The worst I was told was my boss saying (damn you’re not over that yet you were what a month pregnant get over it already).  My heart will not be whole until I see my sweet babies.  They are always in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart.  I thank GOD for the amount of time with them He blessed me with; I know they are in very good hands but yet I still grieve. I pray my sweet angels know just how much their mommy and daddy love them.

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