Posts Tagged ‘god’

Wed we have our next ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. The doctor says there should be considerable growth and should have a heart beat by Wed. If not I don’t know what will happen or what I will do… I have been taking the loss of the two babies ( one never attached and the other I miscarried) really hard. I kept putting it behind me and moving on when yesterday I tore into my husband griping about anything and everything until I started crying saying why does everyone act like they didn’t matter…  here’s what has happened….

Monday  Feb 25th was when I found out my HCG count was not as high as it should of been, I did not want to talk to anyone that day or the next because I knew what was probably happening though I never thought of one still be ok. At that time I had been pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies. I knew my reality… my family and friends don’t understand, they just say the same thing, “well it wont work unless you think positive” really?!?! bull shit. or ” it will be ok everything will be fine”  again really… hello people I have been threw this 6 times all ready I know the feeling I know the signs on top of which I know what my doctor is telling me. I had one friend that just kept trying to get a hold of me and once she started trying to get a hold of my husband I texted her saying look you are a good friend but we got bad news I don’t want to talk we find out Feb. 28th if we have any babies left. I will text you when I feel like talking. rude of me I know…

Feb 27th we had the ultrasound and doctor kept saying you are on track for 6 weeks but even hubby will agree he did not sound like it will be good news on march 6th… we will find out then.  but we did confirm that I did indeed lose 2 of the 3 babies. with only one being a miscarriage though but both hurt equally. I texted the same friend stating what the findings were, ” one baby never attached, we miscarried the 2nd baby and the 3rd baby is right where it needs to be says doctor though he doesn’t sound positive on it being viable though.” she texts me back “I’m so happy for you it’s right where it needs to be!! hey are you in town I need a ride home I have to put my car in the shop”   …. are you fucking kidding me!!!! how incentive and cruel! I just found out I lost 2 babies. I texted back we are in Frisco which is 2 1/2 hours away from her.  she texts back as long as you get here before 5 thanks….. we get there and she isn’t even there yet, when she does get there she gets in the car smiling and happy and greets us with cheer and asks so how are yall doing? I didn’t say a word hubby says tired and drained its been a long emotional day. she says yeah and then starts talking about utter bull shit and gossip…. we drop her off and I start crying again.

the following day Feb 28th she texts me in the morning asking how I was doing and what I wanted to do for the day…. again you have got to be fucking kidding me… she’s 23 years old, married and they are just now talking about trying to have a baby, she’s never been pregnant so I can understand she doesn’t really know what it is like but at 23 years old (I’m 32 in may so I know at least for me and all the rest of my friends) she should have common sense to know it hurts to lose a child. I texted her back a long text stating no I am not ok I  am hurting I lost 2 babies for a grand total of 8…..8!! ( I still can not believe I have lost 8 babies. ) it will take me a long time to grieve this loss and she writes back that she’s sorry I left it at that.

the next day March 1st later in afternoon she texts asking if I was feeling any better…. I didn’t text back

on Friday march 2nd she text asking if she can come over and pick up her makeup bag before she left town… the girl never wears makeup ever. She buys it like crazy but never wears it…ever. she brought over because she wanted to do my makeup for my hubbys bday dinner… hell no I am 32 years old I do not need to be looking trashy at his nice bday dinner so it just sat there. I said sure  her and her hubby head over a few hours later and when I opened the door I just handed her the bag and said have a safe journey bye. she tried to walk in I stepped in front of her she said how are you feeling I said how do you think I am feeling I lost 2 babies I feel horrible have a safe journey talk to you later…  I haven’t heard from her since and she is a good friend, I know she is just worried about me but for goodness sake learn some common sense it hurts to lose a child. and it takes a long time to grieve and move past never forget but able to move past.

now with everyone else…. most people tell me I need to relax and rejoice in the fact that there is still one baby left in there….. do not get me wrong.. I thank God everyday for another day he has given me with my baby. along with all the other blessings he has given me through the years. but I do not like how people just move on so quickly from the 2 we lost. like they were nothing at all. they meant a lot to me and hubby and our friends and family I feel should respect that.

and the last and horrible one to me…. I called my mother Wed night after the ultrasound to tell her the results… she ignored the 2 we lost completely and kept trying to move away from it. I told her mom you don’t understand I would of had twins but we lost one. she finally got it then hung up with me a few mins later cause she had to get ready for school the next day. she’s a teacher.  she had my 3 year old niece call me on Saturday because my niece wanted to talk to me, afterward she gets on the phone and asks what I was up to today…. I said not much I am not doing very well she gets aggravated with me and asks why I said its been a horrible week and she says why jess what has been wrong in your week….. I said um I lost 2 babies she said ok and… what made your week horrible…..

besides hubby no support…. like I said earlier I have no idea what I will do if this pregnancy isn’t viable. I pray everyone else is having a decent week.


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ok so we get called back and my heart starts beating a mile a minute. recap… they transferred 2 class 1 embryos and 1 class 2 embryo.  one of the embryos didn’t attach at all. I miscarried the 2nd baby… the third baby though is still hanging in there and doctor says baby looks right where it should be at around 6 weeks pregnant. there was no heart beat yet but he said not to worry though that’s it could be a little behind. I go back in a week to make sure that this is a viable pregnancy. He’s looking for considerable growth and next week we should be able to see the heart beating. morning sickness is starting to get a bit stronger…. i’m so conflicted with emotions, i’m so happy about the 3rd baby, but so sad about the other 2 babies. Hope everyone has a wonderful night. 6 week ultrasound

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was only 1023.. so now I have to go back to fertility clinic on Thursday for a ultrasound sound to find out what is wrong. She said could be that only one egg attached and could still be a healthy normal pregnancy or we could be losing all of them… I’m not having any sharp pain or any bleeding….  I asked if the number would be normal for a single baby but she said there’s no way to know for sure. but kept telling me it could be just one attached or that we lost one or two but the third is still ok… I am so upset and can’t believe I have to wait till Thursday to find out. I am praying that if anything that’s it’s just one baby and that that one baby is normal.

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So we received the call around noon today that out of my 5 eggies 3 of them fertilized and have no abnormalities! My doctor has decided to go ahead and do the transfer tomorrow morning since he wants to implant all three of the eggs. He says, no since in waiting around to see if one egg is better then the other egg since he will be implanting all three, they will have a better chance inside me. Suddenly I am scared shitless. I am freaking out so bad and I don’t know if its the infertility monster or the hormones or both. I honestly believe God will see us through to the end with a healthy baby, but for some reason I am still so scared. Hubby wants to get a hotel room after the transfer and stay the night so I can get bed rest right away. Nurse thinks it is fine to drive home after we leave the ivf center. I think hubby will win this one though…

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In about a hour we will be going in for my retrieval. I’m not nervous at all, I know God has me and will bless us with some good eggs. since I have a really low amh I am hoping for 4 eggs. It only takes 1 egg so I’m not worried.

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I wish everyone a very happy thanksgiving and  if you are traveling please be safe!! Hubby and I are thankful for all the blessings God has bestowed upon us, one of many is,  we are very grateful that in December will be trying IVF once again.  I am very thankful for my husband  who has always stood by me and helped me get through such horrible times. Because of him I was able to renew and restore my faith in God who I am the most thankful for. I can never thank God enough for everything but I try to live each day better than the last and always be mindful of everyone around me. For many years I took the self-pity road for the abuse I had in my childhood, for the rapes I endured when I was 18, for the 6 babies I had lost… I felt as though I was setup from birth to do nothing but to have pain and suffer.. then fibromyalgia came along and brought its buddy seronegative rheumatoid arthritis to give me even more pain and suffering. I blamed God and kept asking him Why Me! What did I do that was so wrong to deserve all this pain and suffering. My husband started talking to me about God and Jesus and was able to get through to me that I was looking at it all the wrong way. I am a Fighter and I  fought everyday of my life and will continue to fight everyday to overcome my past and gain some peace. I am grateful for everything that I had to go through in the past and for the illnesses I have now because it opened my eyes to everyone else.  Everyone has their own story and every story is different. Who am I to think only of myself when I could take what I learned and help someone else.

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I have learned a very valuable lesson today. When someone degrades and belittles me it’s not me that is worthless, unimportant, and doesn’t deserve to be loved. Their words are reflecting how they really feel about themselves which is really quite sad and I pray that one day they will be able to take a good hard look at themself and learn to fix their own soul instead of lashing out because it’s broken. It’s a very hard process and sometimes quite scary to look within and admit your broken. It took me most of my life to take that advice and look at myself, I had to hit my bottom before I finally realized it wasn’t everyone else that was the problem.  My marriage was on its last leg about 5 years ago and I had hit a wall and instead of trying to figure out how to get around this wall I just kept running straight into the wall and let me tell you it hurt! I was so depressed and I just wanted it to end I saw no way out so I somehow made it okay to take it out on my husband, and Jason the great guy he is, took it for years and stayed with me thinking I will wake up eventually, and I did.  It took until I lost my last baby and my last tube to wake me up, why then and not anything else I don’t know.  I started out with teaching myself though I had a very hard and traumatic life that not everyone is out to get me which means it’s not right to treat everyone like they were/are my abusers. Once I had that lesson down  other lessons were learned easily, but todays lesson is one I have struggled with for all my life. It’s so hard for me to see that I have worth and am someone who deserves to be loved even though I have flaws and make mistakes it doesn’t take away my worth it’s who GOD made me to be flaws and all.   I pray that these people who take out their broken souls on everyone else will take my advice or at least seek some help and just know it is worth it in the end,  though I’m sure I will be learning lessons till the day I die,  no one wants to face their flaws but you have to go through the darkness to appreciate the light.

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