Posts Tagged ‘Family’

ok today’s ultrasound… we were able to see the heartbeat and hear the heartbeat but the heart rate was a bit slower then it should of been. the baby last week measured 5 weeks and 4 days today it measured 6 weeks 1 day meaning it only showed 4 days of growth when it should of been 7 days of growth though doc said the baby was hugging the wall real close so we were not able to get a good picture so she was not able to measure it completely which means it could of been 7 days growth if not close to. my doc say to be cautiously optimistic but so far it is telling the baby isn’t growing as much as it needs to. We head back Wed next week for another ultrasound to see how much baby has grown yet again. We ask for prayers please for baby to be growing big and strong. The doctors don’t sound like they have much hope….
My church had a healing service tonight which our worship leader pastor Jeff had heard about our story Tues night said he prayed all day Wed and said he really felt God say that hubby and I really needed to be at the altar to be healed! It was so wonderful and I can tell you that I am healed!!! Rutherford OB2 Rutherford OB3

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Wed we have our next ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. The doctor says there should be considerable growth and should have a heart beat by Wed. If not I don’t know what will happen or what I will do… I have been taking the loss of the two babies ( one never attached and the other I miscarried) really hard. I kept putting it behind me and moving on when yesterday I tore into my husband griping about anything and everything until I started crying saying why does everyone act like they didn’t matter…  here’s what has happened….

Monday  Feb 25th was when I found out my HCG count was not as high as it should of been, I did not want to talk to anyone that day or the next because I knew what was probably happening though I never thought of one still be ok. At that time I had been pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies. I knew my reality… my family and friends don’t understand, they just say the same thing, “well it wont work unless you think positive” really?!?! bull shit. or ” it will be ok everything will be fine”  again really… hello people I have been threw this 6 times all ready I know the feeling I know the signs on top of which I know what my doctor is telling me. I had one friend that just kept trying to get a hold of me and once she started trying to get a hold of my husband I texted her saying look you are a good friend but we got bad news I don’t want to talk we find out Feb. 28th if we have any babies left. I will text you when I feel like talking. rude of me I know…

Feb 27th we had the ultrasound and doctor kept saying you are on track for 6 weeks but even hubby will agree he did not sound like it will be good news on march 6th… we will find out then.  but we did confirm that I did indeed lose 2 of the 3 babies. with only one being a miscarriage though but both hurt equally. I texted the same friend stating what the findings were, ” one baby never attached, we miscarried the 2nd baby and the 3rd baby is right where it needs to be says doctor though he doesn’t sound positive on it being viable though.” she texts me back “I’m so happy for you it’s right where it needs to be!! hey are you in town I need a ride home I have to put my car in the shop”   …. are you fucking kidding me!!!! how incentive and cruel! I just found out I lost 2 babies. I texted back we are in Frisco which is 2 1/2 hours away from her.  she texts back as long as you get here before 5 thanks….. we get there and she isn’t even there yet, when she does get there she gets in the car smiling and happy and greets us with cheer and asks so how are yall doing? I didn’t say a word hubby says tired and drained its been a long emotional day. she says yeah and then starts talking about utter bull shit and gossip…. we drop her off and I start crying again.

the following day Feb 28th she texts me in the morning asking how I was doing and what I wanted to do for the day…. again you have got to be fucking kidding me… she’s 23 years old, married and they are just now talking about trying to have a baby, she’s never been pregnant so I can understand she doesn’t really know what it is like but at 23 years old (I’m 32 in may so I know at least for me and all the rest of my friends) she should have common sense to know it hurts to lose a child. I texted her back a long text stating no I am not ok I  am hurting I lost 2 babies for a grand total of 8…..8!! ( I still can not believe I have lost 8 babies. ) it will take me a long time to grieve this loss and she writes back that she’s sorry I left it at that.

the next day March 1st later in afternoon she texts asking if I was feeling any better…. I didn’t text back

on Friday march 2nd she text asking if she can come over and pick up her makeup bag before she left town… the girl never wears makeup ever. She buys it like crazy but never wears it…ever. she brought over because she wanted to do my makeup for my hubbys bday dinner… hell no I am 32 years old I do not need to be looking trashy at his nice bday dinner so it just sat there. I said sure  her and her hubby head over a few hours later and when I opened the door I just handed her the bag and said have a safe journey bye. she tried to walk in I stepped in front of her she said how are you feeling I said how do you think I am feeling I lost 2 babies I feel horrible have a safe journey talk to you later…  I haven’t heard from her since and she is a good friend, I know she is just worried about me but for goodness sake learn some common sense it hurts to lose a child. and it takes a long time to grieve and move past never forget but able to move past.

now with everyone else…. most people tell me I need to relax and rejoice in the fact that there is still one baby left in there….. do not get me wrong.. I thank God everyday for another day he has given me with my baby. along with all the other blessings he has given me through the years. but I do not like how people just move on so quickly from the 2 we lost. like they were nothing at all. they meant a lot to me and hubby and our friends and family I feel should respect that.

and the last and horrible one to me…. I called my mother Wed night after the ultrasound to tell her the results… she ignored the 2 we lost completely and kept trying to move away from it. I told her mom you don’t understand I would of had twins but we lost one. she finally got it then hung up with me a few mins later cause she had to get ready for school the next day. she’s a teacher.  she had my 3 year old niece call me on Saturday because my niece wanted to talk to me, afterward she gets on the phone and asks what I was up to today…. I said not much I am not doing very well she gets aggravated with me and asks why I said its been a horrible week and she says why jess what has been wrong in your week….. I said um I lost 2 babies she said ok and… what made your week horrible…..

besides hubby no support…. like I said earlier I have no idea what I will do if this pregnancy isn’t viable. I pray everyone else is having a decent week.


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 We have lost 7 babies in all.

I lost my first baby at the end of the year 2000, I was so young (18) that I really didn’t comprehend how great of a loss I just had.  I thought I was somewhat lucky that I lost the baby that way I didn’t have to tell my family or friends what a huge mistake I had made. Looking back at it though that huge mistake is now just a small bump in the road and I married that baby’s daddy.  Jason and I got married August 1st 2001,  we both wanted kids so badly but wanted to wait to start trying till the 2nd year of marriage.  Sept 16, 2001  is one of the worse days of our marriage, we learned the news that Jason’s Angel was murdered. Angel was a miracle baby and it never mattered what type of day you had, when she looked at you, you smiled and nothing else mattered.  Jason and I were so in love with her and tried so hard to adopt her. Her parents , the father was related to Jason,  treated the baby so badly, CPS came in and put Angel in the care of Jason’s mother and father.  Somehow the parents were able to come take the baby back. One day the parents went and got really high and proceeded to murder her and I’ll leave it at that it hurts too much to think about everything she was put through.  We were heartbroken along side of everybody else who truly loved that baby.

About 6 months after Angel passed away we decided to go a head and start trying for a baby of our own.  Sadly it took until 2003 for us to even get pregnant when we rushed off to the ER not even knowing we were pregnant with the worst pain of my life (up to that point). We were rushed into a ER room, they took blood from me and prepped me for surgery just in case, 2 hours we waited to hear what was wrong with me when they came into the room and told us we were pregnant.  I was so excited for a second till total utter fear came in because I was bleeding too much for that to be a good sign. 30 mins later they came in and said you have miscarried, we were crushed, they gave me the RH negative shot and sent me home like what we were going through was nothing.  It took till June 2004 for us to become pregnant again with our 3rd baby everything seemed to be going good for a few weeks then one night my stomach erupted in sharp pain and I started bleeding  so once again we rushed off to the ER to hear the news we did not want to hear, this one too was lost to us, they gave me another RH Negative shot and sent us home.  Our fourth baby came to us in November 2004, this one looked to be really going good and we made it all the way to December 24, 2004 when once again I was overcome with sharp pain in my stomach followed by heavy bleeding.  We decided to wait and grieve a few years after our 4th baby, It hurt to much to even think about putting ourselves through anymore losses.   November 28th 2006 we learned that we were pregnant once again and everything was going great this time around,  I had some morning sickness and I was craving pickles like crazy.  We had our first appointment set up for after the holidays. December 31st 2006 11:25pm we rushed to the ER for spotting, 12:20am January 1st 2007 we learned our baby had a heart beat but it would not make it because it was ectopic. They rushed me upstairs for emergency surgery for my tube had ruptured and could endanger my life from bleeding out. I was 2 months pregnant… my doctor told us the surgery went great and that everything should be ok now.  December 2007 we once again learned we were pregnant.  This time I had nothing but fear. As soon as the test showed I was pregnant I started bawling.   My doctor got us in to see him a few weeks into January 2008, it took a couple of visits, but we again learned that my fears came true and it was yet again ectopic. I had no choice; I received a shot and was told hopefully it was caught in time so we could avoid having to have surgery this time.  February 4th 2008 for the last time I was rushed to the ER for my tube was rupturing. Surgery once again went good but now I am tubeless and our choices are either IVF (in vitro fertilization) or adopting.  August 2012 our first IVF was canceled due to my body not reacting enough to the hormone shots we will be doing IVF again looks like in Dec or Jan 2012/13.

It’s so hard to understand why this has happened. I’m so grateful to my husband for through it all we have gotten so strong and close because of it, where others sadly tear apart. People never know how to handle the situation I’ve been told everything from; be grateful that you didn’t lose the baby after it was born; it wasn’t the right time this time but you can try again; why would I wish you a happy mother’s day when you are not a mom.  The worst I was told was my boss saying (damn you’re not over that yet you were what a month pregnant get over it already).  My heart will not be whole until I see my sweet babies.  They are always in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart.  I thank GOD for the amount of time with them He blessed me with; I know they are in very good hands but yet I still grieve. I pray my sweet angels know just how much their mommy and daddy love them.

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