Wed we have our next ultrasound to make sure this is a viable pregnancy. The doctor says there should be considerable growth and should have a heart beat by Wed. If not I don’t know what will happen or what I will do… I have been taking the loss of the two babies ( one never attached and the other I miscarried) really hard. I kept putting it behind me and moving on when yesterday I tore into my husband griping about anything and everything until I started crying saying why does everyone act like they didn’t matter… here’s what has happened….
Monday Feb 25th was when I found out my HCG count was not as high as it should of been, I did not want to talk to anyone that day or the next because I knew what was probably happening though I never thought of one still be ok. At that time I had been pregnant 6 times and lost 6 babies. I knew my reality… my family and friends don’t understand, they just say the same thing, “well it wont work unless you think positive” really?!?! bull shit. or ” it will be ok everything will be fine” again really… hello people I have been threw this 6 times all ready I know the feeling I know the signs on top of which I know what my doctor is telling me. I had one friend that just kept trying to get a hold of me and once she started trying to get a hold of my husband I texted her saying look you are a good friend but we got bad news I don’t want to talk we find out Feb. 28th if we have any babies left. I will text you when I feel like talking. rude of me I know…
Feb 27th we had the ultrasound and doctor kept saying you are on track for 6 weeks but even hubby will agree he did not sound like it will be good news on march 6th… we will find out then. but we did confirm that I did indeed lose 2 of the 3 babies. with only one being a miscarriage though but both hurt equally. I texted the same friend stating what the findings were, ” one baby never attached, we miscarried the 2nd baby and the 3rd baby is right where it needs to be says doctor though he doesn’t sound positive on it being viable though.” she texts me back “I’m so happy for you it’s right where it needs to be!! hey are you in town I need a ride home I have to put my car in the shop” …. are you fucking kidding me!!!! how incentive and cruel! I just found out I lost 2 babies. I texted back we are in Frisco which is 2 1/2 hours away from her. she texts back as long as you get here before 5 thanks….. we get there and she isn’t even there yet, when she does get there she gets in the car smiling and happy and greets us with cheer and asks so how are yall doing? I didn’t say a word hubby says tired and drained its been a long emotional day. she says yeah and then starts talking about utter bull shit and gossip…. we drop her off and I start crying again.
the following day Feb 28th she texts me in the morning asking how I was doing and what I wanted to do for the day…. again you have got to be fucking kidding me… she’s 23 years old, married and they are just now talking about trying to have a baby, she’s never been pregnant so I can understand she doesn’t really know what it is like but at 23 years old (I’m 32 in may so I know at least for me and all the rest of my friends) she should have common sense to know it hurts to lose a child. I texted her back a long text stating no I am not ok I am hurting I lost 2 babies for a grand total of 8…..8!! ( I still can not believe I have lost 8 babies. ) it will take me a long time to grieve this loss and she writes back that she’s sorry I left it at that.
the next day March 1st later in afternoon she texts asking if I was feeling any better…. I didn’t text back
on Friday march 2nd she text asking if she can come over and pick up her makeup bag before she left town… the girl never wears makeup ever. She buys it like crazy but never wears it…ever. she brought over because she wanted to do my makeup for my hubbys bday dinner… hell no I am 32 years old I do not need to be looking trashy at his nice bday dinner so it just sat there. I said sure her and her hubby head over a few hours later and when I opened the door I just handed her the bag and said have a safe journey bye. she tried to walk in I stepped in front of her she said how are you feeling I said how do you think I am feeling I lost 2 babies I feel horrible have a safe journey talk to you later… I haven’t heard from her since and she is a good friend, I know she is just worried about me but for goodness sake learn some common sense it hurts to lose a child. and it takes a long time to grieve and move past never forget but able to move past.
now with everyone else…. most people tell me I need to relax and rejoice in the fact that there is still one baby left in there….. do not get me wrong.. I thank God everyday for another day he has given me with my baby. along with all the other blessings he has given me through the years. but I do not like how people just move on so quickly from the 2 we lost. like they were nothing at all. they meant a lot to me and hubby and our friends and family I feel should respect that.
and the last and horrible one to me…. I called my mother Wed night after the ultrasound to tell her the results… she ignored the 2 we lost completely and kept trying to move away from it. I told her mom you don’t understand I would of had twins but we lost one. she finally got it then hung up with me a few mins later cause she had to get ready for school the next day. she’s a teacher. she had my 3 year old niece call me on Saturday because my niece wanted to talk to me, afterward she gets on the phone and asks what I was up to today…. I said not much I am not doing very well she gets aggravated with me and asks why I said its been a horrible week and she says why jess what has been wrong in your week….. I said um I lost 2 babies she said ok and… what made your week horrible…..
besides hubby no support…. like I said earlier I have no idea what I will do if this pregnancy isn’t viable. I pray everyone else is having a decent week.
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