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Posts Tagged ‘ectopic pregnancies’

I handled Christmas Eve pretty well I think for it being a anniversary of a miscarriage. We had 16 people over and I didn’t spend one minute that night thinking sad thoughts. I  was blocking out thinking about new year’s eve yesterday until my husband brought it up saying  a friend of ours was wanting to come hangout, but he told him that he wasn’t sure that we may not be very good company that night and explained why…

New Year’s eve 2006 during the day was like any of the other day that month, I woke up to morning sickness and would eat a few crackers before I got up out of bed. I was craving pickles that week, and had my typical joint pain and back pain due to what I did not know at the time was the fibromyalgia and seronegative RA. Husband went to work and came home at 7pm and we went over to my parents house but I was not feeling good so we left and went home before midnight, I think about 11pm. Once home the uneasy feeling got worse and then I found blood. We headed up to the ER 11:45pm, they pulled me back pretty fast 11:52pm, drew blood and urine and took me back for a ultrasound, the US tech kept asking me are you sure you are not having any pain, no I never felt any pain. We had thought I was 6 weeks along due to the HPT did not say positive till 6 weeks prior. We found out I was about 8 or so weeks along and the nurse came in to tell us the baby already has a heart beat but that it will not make it due  to it is ectopic. The surgeon came down to meet me and start me on iv antibiotics then rushed me off for emergency surgery. I remember being rolled into the surgery room feeling so numb and so scared, they rolled me up to the table and I had to move myself to the surgery table. The next thing I remember was waking up feeling a lot of pain in my stomach and my husband telling me that my tube had burst and I was bleeding out but the doctor had fixed me all up and that I still had one tube (till Feb 2008 another ectopic). I remember I didn’t grieve in the hospital and I took myself off the pain meds to get me home as fast as possible. I know I never fully grieved from that loss. This was baby 5 out of 6 that we have lost.

I think I will tell hubby to go a head and invite our friends if anything it will help us to take our minds off it, though if AF does not come by that day we will have to travel to Dallas to go get a ultrasound and blood test to which I am freaking out and will probably cry during. I pray everyone has a very Happy New Years and please be safe! I should be starting my Hormone injections on New Years Day 🙂

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 We have lost 7 babies in all.

I lost my first baby at the end of the year 2000, I was so young (18) that I really didn’t comprehend how great of a loss I just had.  I thought I was somewhat lucky that I lost the baby that way I didn’t have to tell my family or friends what a huge mistake I had made. Looking back at it though that huge mistake is now just a small bump in the road and I married that baby’s daddy.  Jason and I got married August 1st 2001,  we both wanted kids so badly but wanted to wait to start trying till the 2nd year of marriage.  Sept 16, 2001  is one of the worse days of our marriage, we learned the news that Jason’s Angel was murdered. Angel was a miracle baby and it never mattered what type of day you had, when she looked at you, you smiled and nothing else mattered.  Jason and I were so in love with her and tried so hard to adopt her. Her parents , the father was related to Jason,  treated the baby so badly, CPS came in and put Angel in the care of Jason’s mother and father.  Somehow the parents were able to come take the baby back. One day the parents went and got really high and proceeded to murder her and I’ll leave it at that it hurts too much to think about everything she was put through.  We were heartbroken along side of everybody else who truly loved that baby.

About 6 months after Angel passed away we decided to go a head and start trying for a baby of our own.  Sadly it took until 2003 for us to even get pregnant when we rushed off to the ER not even knowing we were pregnant with the worst pain of my life (up to that point). We were rushed into a ER room, they took blood from me and prepped me for surgery just in case, 2 hours we waited to hear what was wrong with me when they came into the room and told us we were pregnant.  I was so excited for a second till total utter fear came in because I was bleeding too much for that to be a good sign. 30 mins later they came in and said you have miscarried, we were crushed, they gave me the RH negative shot and sent me home like what we were going through was nothing.  It took till June 2004 for us to become pregnant again with our 3rd baby everything seemed to be going good for a few weeks then one night my stomach erupted in sharp pain and I started bleeding  so once again we rushed off to the ER to hear the news we did not want to hear, this one too was lost to us, they gave me another RH Negative shot and sent us home.  Our fourth baby came to us in November 2004, this one looked to be really going good and we made it all the way to December 24, 2004 when once again I was overcome with sharp pain in my stomach followed by heavy bleeding.  We decided to wait and grieve a few years after our 4th baby, It hurt to much to even think about putting ourselves through anymore losses.   November 28th 2006 we learned that we were pregnant once again and everything was going great this time around,  I had some morning sickness and I was craving pickles like crazy.  We had our first appointment set up for after the holidays. December 31st 2006 11:25pm we rushed to the ER for spotting, 12:20am January 1st 2007 we learned our baby had a heart beat but it would not make it because it was ectopic. They rushed me upstairs for emergency surgery for my tube had ruptured and could endanger my life from bleeding out. I was 2 months pregnant… my doctor told us the surgery went great and that everything should be ok now.  December 2007 we once again learned we were pregnant.  This time I had nothing but fear. As soon as the test showed I was pregnant I started bawling.   My doctor got us in to see him a few weeks into January 2008, it took a couple of visits, but we again learned that my fears came true and it was yet again ectopic. I had no choice; I received a shot and was told hopefully it was caught in time so we could avoid having to have surgery this time.  February 4th 2008 for the last time I was rushed to the ER for my tube was rupturing. Surgery once again went good but now I am tubeless and our choices are either IVF (in vitro fertilization) or adopting.  August 2012 our first IVF was canceled due to my body not reacting enough to the hormone shots we will be doing IVF again looks like in Dec or Jan 2012/13.

It’s so hard to understand why this has happened. I’m so grateful to my husband for through it all we have gotten so strong and close because of it, where others sadly tear apart. People never know how to handle the situation I’ve been told everything from; be grateful that you didn’t lose the baby after it was born; it wasn’t the right time this time but you can try again; why would I wish you a happy mother’s day when you are not a mom.  The worst I was told was my boss saying (damn you’re not over that yet you were what a month pregnant get over it already).  My heart will not be whole until I see my sweet babies.  They are always in my thoughts, prayers, and my heart.  I thank GOD for the amount of time with them He blessed me with; I know they are in very good hands but yet I still grieve. I pray my sweet angels know just how much their mommy and daddy love them.

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Oh my goodness how time has flown by! I was just looking over our IVF calendar and I just can’t believe it. I have 2 more days till I start the menopur and follistim injections, 9 days till Jason and I start taking the Z-pack, then only 10 to 15 days depending on how my body reacts to meds of course till the retrieval! I just can not believe it I’m so excited and scared at the same time LOL. Jason is taking off from work starting the 16th through the 24th to be on the safe side since it’s a 2 1/2 hour drive to the IVF clinic.  we are debating renting a hotel room for a few days I think we will decide that a little closer to the time.  Oh all my labs came back normal from my new OB-GYN he ran a bunch of tests to find out why we had miscarried 4 times and had 2 ectopics so far I think it was just my tubes. they were so severely scar tissue but now they are gone and hopefully their wont be any more problems.  oh man I took a few pictures to show my meds I get overwhelmed at times just looking at them lol although the calendar that Jason made for me really helps to take  some of the confusion out of it.

 

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First day with my  decreased dose of lupron, doesn’t even sting anymore.  my big problem today is I just can’t stop crying! I have no idea as of why though, some are happy tears others are sad the rest I think are confused themselves as to why they shed. I know I am having a really hard time with my husband being away from me, but as of 1:10 pm tomorrow he will be back in my arms safe and sound. I know the entire IVF process is emotional I’m just annoyed with the overabundance of it.  Right now a lot of it I  feel is from the stupid nurse practitioner droning on and on about how painful the pregnancy is going to be, and as of lately (could be hormones) I just have a feeling like I don’t have many people who feel like I’m strong enough to go through this process and be a mother. It’s all I ever wanted to be! ever since I was 10  years old, I wanted a big family. I worked so hard and did everything the doctors told me to do; lose weight, stop smoking cigarettes, it took me a long time to do so but I did it. I smoked 3 packs a day for 9 years.  this november 19th will be 6 years free of smoking. the losing the weight well that’s the tough part for me, I would lose 30lbs then become pregnant then miscarry then gain it back, and repeat process 3 more times (4 miscarriages). my last two babies (2 ectopic pregnancies) were the worst since they were the farthest along. one of which even had a heartbeat. I gained the 30 back plus another 30. I was also going through figuring out why I had such horrible pain everywhere (ended up being fibromyalgia/seronegative RA) it took 10 years to finally get a diagnoses and to have people stop looking at me like a was just trying to get attention. Well I’m done with the feeling sorry (hopefully) I  am feeling overwhelmed and frustrated.  sorry for the random venting…

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